What do I do next? Part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Well, I took the kids to the park yesterday and asked the W if she wanted to go along and she said no, that she was too tired. I asked her if she wanted me to text her when the kids and I are going to leave to get dinner and she said sure.

So we get done at the part and I texted the W to see if she wanted to go with us to get something to eat. She said sure, so I swung by her dad's house (where she is staying) to pick her up.

why invite her? To pursue....and how'd that go? Did you get the DB books or read the 37 rules Sandi assembled?

While You say the dinner was "fine"
- if the goal of slowly building friendship which could possibly lead to more later, then you should have left it at that.

instead of building on the bonding experience of a relaxed dinner together

You grew immediate expecations AND
YOU PRESSED HER BY TELLING HER YOU MISSED HER...as if she didn't know.

Sweetie, You have to actually DO the DB program to have it work. You cannot do it for 3 days or weeks and then backslide and wonder what went wrong,

If she felt safe enough to have dinner with you then maybe progress HAD been made.

But then you blew it b/c you leaped from that basic comfort around you to wanting more then.


Dinner went fine. I had a hard time not wanting to reach out to her, but I didn't. She complained a bit about money and her car that keeps breaking down.

Don't try to FIX

(b/c if often comes off to us as a man wanting the woman to shut up, b/c hey, he "solved" the problem by telling her what to do OR not to care about it so much. Now move onto another topic...)

But many times women need/want to be heard so, just listen and validate that she feels stressed or concerned about her car's safety & that you can see why.


After dinner we all went out to get some clothes for the kids since I don't have much in the way of summer clothes for them. The W helped me pick out some clothes and stuff for the boys which was nice.

After all that,

after all what? A few hours without conflict? Man you have to just let that be.


I dropped her back off at her dad's house. She gave the boys hugs and kisses, and I gave her a hug and whispered into her ear that I missed her. I pulled back and she said, "unfortunately, I don't" and went inside.

In three short words, she literally destroyed me. I know she loves me, I know she cares about me, and I'm pretty sure that with all things being equal, she would prefer to be together than apart,

why do you believe these^^^ things? (I am not denying them but want to know what empirical evidence you have of it.) Don't make too much of her words...you asked for it really.

Instead of challenging her choices (which you pursuing her DOES) stop it. The more you challenge her choices

the more she defends them and the more she stands by them. Back off so she can see what she's creating without you hovering over her to get her back.

but what can I do to help her miss me?

Be less available obviously. If availability were what she wanted from you, she would be back by now.

She has to believe 2 things to come back to you.

First, SHE must believe that marriage to you can be different/better than before.

And she must believe she might lose you.

What are YOU DOING (not words but actions) to SHOW her that these things?


I haven't had hardly any contact with her since October and with the D and custody issues in full effect, things will only become more bitter.

why? Just let the L's do their part which is the ugly stuff so you are not associated directly with it.


I could use to encouraging words. Will spending time with her and the kids help her miss being with me? What can I do?

you just spent time with her and the kids and then you pursued her and she said she did not miss you.

So is your question "Should I do more of what does NOT work?"

You know the answer. But you are lonely, so you wish we'd say "go after her."
Then you'd feel you are "Doing something" but that is a control thing. You don't control her.

You cannot "make her miss" you. You can only give her something to miss, by having good times with the kids

(that she is NOT a part of, b/c they will tell her what joyful fun you had and she will know she missed it) and

no woman is unmoved by loving interactions between her children and their father.

Be the best dad you can be --for them, for you and for the r you have with their mother.

The only cure I have for your loneliness other than time with your kids is GAL, and I really want to hear how YOU ARE GAL.

I will read ALL of your posts before I comment further, but based on just these past few and Bond's words (and others)

you need to stay with the basics and master them.

Consistent change + sufficient time = change our spouse can believe in.