I still keep going...

[keep_going]

Adinva

THANK YOU. You gave me so much to think about and a lot of what you wrote stung, so I know there is much to uncover there. I will try my best to peel some more layers here. Bear with me.

(I wonder if a lot of your "I'm hurt that he is..." statements could have been rephrased as "I'm angry at myself because I see that he is..." - while you sound angry at him, I think some of it's directed at yourself).

You are dead-on here. I need to change the internal dialogue and get to the root of the problem - learning to forgive and to love myself. Many times I am just hurt about how my behavior has hurt H and I turn it around and put it on him.

I have always been such an insecure person and my parents' placed a lot of expectations on me growing up.

Everyone always told me how lucky I was that H was with me. Sometimes I thought, hey - what about me? I am a catch too, he is lucky too to have me. But deep down, I never bought into it and him leaving solidifies that negative notion that I am unworthy.

So I need to uncover the issues, accept them and change them, not beat myself for it. I have done so much of that in my life already - with only very detrimental results.

For me, I think journaling is the thing that would help the most. Other things that could help you work out the anger - exercise, walking, music, talking to someone.

I have been going over some techniques with my C. For me, exercising, music and meditation work wonders. I have lacked the discipline (or hunger/motivation to change, maybe?), to be consistent with it. I need to overcome this mental laziness and practice things to change my responses and re-train my behavior. I think journaling will be huge as well. I think I have somehow started to do that here in the past couple of days

Be careful about setting up expectations you know are unrealistic and then railing against the unfairness. I am also going through a difficult time and have not talked to my parents about it. I need love and support, and I'm seeking it where I know I'll get it. This board is one place. Selected friends are another. T is another. NOT my parents, by my choice, because I know better.

Yep... I need to practice detachment from my parents' as well...

I can relate to this. What can you do differently?

You asked what can I do to express my feelings positively. I have never let myself be vulnerable. Still today, people say how strong I am and that I will definitely survive this. But a lot of it is really not strength, but me putting a wall so people don't see my flaws and reject me and I don't get hurt. I equate vulnerability with weakness. Saying "I love you" is putting myself on the line and opening up to someone not reciprocating.

Somewhere in one of your threads you touched on creating walls to avoid creating intimacy or showing vulnerability. It completely resonated with me.

My lack of vulnerability was one of H's big issues with me ever since we met. I can see that I really never worked on this during our marriage.

This is hard work, but I feel it will be key for me to be happy. I am definitely practicing first with my kids (easier because small children always show unconditional love, so it's less threatening for me to be open and vulnerable with them.) I am also doing it more with friends and my siblings. A couple of people at first mentioned how they had never seen my cry, which shocked me... now it's quite a common occurance for me to shed tears and I am ok with it.

You're not a little kid anymore. Your relationship with H was as equals, and you're not powerless to him like a kid is to parents. Your behavior hurt him and he left in order to relieve his hurt. He didn't abandon you.

wow.. this one stung BIG TIME. So you hit on something really deep. Yes, I can see that I have not fully taken responsibility for my actions and behavior. I am playing victim. I need to remind myself that he left because I hurt him and he didn't abandon me. I need to start changing the language and dialogue here as well. I was doing well with this a few months ago, but I have now changed the discourse in my favor. Why? Perhaps because we are now really moving into D territory. It's a reality and I cannot control it or accepted that it's really happening...A lot of hurt here, but I need to deal with it and get past the "poor me" syndrome.

Is it too hard to imagine being happy that he's not in pain? Your struggle is not connected to his happiness, but you're trying to correlate them. You've got to focus on yourself separate from him.

Isn't all of this about co-dependency? I have never really understood it fully and am finally starting to explore this. I will go to CoDa meeting next week, but I will start reading about it in depth this weekend when kids are with H. I think there is A LOT there for me to uncover about myself and my R with H.

Be more patient with yourself, and try to see what's good. Would you rather he not overcome his issues? Would you rather he not forgive? Get out of his sandbox and keep working in your own, at your own pace.

Yes. I need to remain focused on myself. I understand these self-defeating behaviors have been killing my efforts and spirit.

Have you read The Dance of Anger? I found it very helpful.

Thanks for the recommend. This is actually one of the titles that are eagerly awaiting for me at my desk:
- The Dance with Anger
- The Anger Trap
- Love Without Hurt
- The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
- Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce
- Parenting with Love and Logic

My main challenge with all the things I need for my recovery and GAL (reading, meditating, counseling, support groups, exercising) require TIME... which is my most precious commodity. I am trying my best, but am realistic that I will be moving at a slow pace

How long would you like to wait before starting to create this good life? One year? Ten years? Now? Rise like a phoenix and make it happen.

I am here now... :-)

I think you're awesome. What you're doing, some people never do, because they feel entitled to their anger and entitled to hurt other people with it. You don't want that. Keep growing, Keep Going.

Thank you, thank you! This is the kind of encouragement that fills my soul. I am so grateful! :-)