Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

A lot of people here talk about cutting themselves off from their WAS. Phone calls to VM. Ignore Texts unless they are about the kids.

The attitude I have is that if W wants to reach out to me, I'm there. I respond in kind. I've learned not to ask for anything or to expect anything or to need anything. OK. Well, most days. I've made lots of slip-ups, but less and less often. If she wants to share that she has had a good day, I say, "Good for you!"

Laurie, my DB coach has never advocated going dark, even though D has been filed. "Will this thing I am about to do or say bring my wife closer or push her away?" That is the mantra. The talks about not pushing, and giving her room to be drawn back toward me.

She never says, "Don't pick up the phone." She says be polite. Listen.

I see W at the house pretty regularly. She might decide to hide or leave. That is my base expectation. I don't get upset if she decides not to engage the family. That's not the stage she's at. However, I am pleased if she decides to stay for a meal or help with bedtime.

A lot of posters on this board - the hard-liners - cut themselves off from the WAS until they can get to piecing. It seems angry and defensive at times. Yes, you have to protect yourself from the emotional roller-coaster.

But if you are detached enough from your spouse's actions, do you need such a hard line?


That said, my sitch isn't going all that great. Ups and downs and lots of days that I feel good, but W did just tell me she wants more space and she doesn't know how to get it because we interact with the kids so much.

I'm going to not go to church this Sunday so I don't see her there. I don't want to do that every week, but I want to give her something right away.

I wish she had a flag she would put out to let me know back off or stand still. I'm better at reading than I used to be. I think one of the problems we have really is that she is comfortable being around me right up until the moment that old pain comes forward and I'm just Too Close.

I think I may be able to take away a big part of the money issue so that doesn't come up to bite me/us. One issue I don't know how to make better is that she caught me spying on her and has become paranoid ever since. She probably wouldn't be paranoid if she wasn't carrying on an EA, but I can't fix that.

I think I've mentioned the EA twice in four months, and both times the message was that I acknowledge it's existence, but I don't want to talk about it, so I'm not putting a lot of pressure there. I think.

I suppose she knows I still judge her for it even if I'm not talking about it.

I don't know if there is a way for me to show her that I realize I made a mistake spying on her. I can't take it back.