Yesterday, I was VERY angry. In fact, it felt like I was itching for a fight. I realize that I want my H to pay for his A and hurting me. (I mean, who wouldn’t?) But starting a fight or provoking him in some way is NOT going to get me to where I want to go (and frankly need to be). Yes, I want a new M with my H. Hopefully that will happen. Either way, I need to be free of the things that have been holding me back from enjoying life for so long.
During my previous counseling sessions, my C of course went through my family history and all that. Thinking about why I was so mad yesterday, I realized something. I have serious abandonment issues. Whether real or imagined, I feel like almost every man in my life has abandoned me at some point ON PURPOSE: my dad left and moved 2 states away with NO/minimal contact when I was 7; my first serious boyfriend decided he needed to sow his oats, and wanted out after 3 years; and now my husband – you all know that story.
These abandonment issues have caused me to be very angry, and very cold. When my H and I actually started dating, I had a wall up so thick, nothing could penetrate it. He’s told me as much. I’m pretty sure I use it as protection so I don’t get hurt. So now, I’m even angrier that I let my wall/guard down, believing my H when he said he’d never do something like this. I’m SO angry at MYSELF for believing in him. I keep thinking in the back of my mind, “See if you had never, ever let him in, you’d be so much better off right now.” And I think that’s what’s keeping me from DBing effectively, and doing anything off the list from my DB coach.
I think there’s also a lot of fear involved when I think about letting myself feel anything, outside of anger for my H, and that I will get hurt again. Which is NOT really helping in the forgiveness department. I need to find a way to release my anger and fear. I’m in no way scared to be alone. In fact, that’s the least of my worries. I know I’ll be fine in that department. It’s the being okay alone, and not angry or bitter that I’m worried about. I don’t want to become that person EVER AGAIN.
I wish I could find a SBT in my area, but so far I haven’t been able to. My C was actually good, but she never seemed to want to move past my history. I feel like I need something more now. *shrug*
Last night, I managed to calm down and not saying anything to my H to provoke a fight. I came home, sat on my balcony with a snack, and read until the sun went down. I was so exhausted. Being angry can make you TIRED. LOL Sitting on the balcony was a big 180 for me because I think in the 6 years I’ve lived there; I’ve sat out there less than 5 times. H and I were talking about how nice the weather has been, and I said I didn’t get to enjoy it while I was at work, but had gone out on the balcony after I got home. He gave me a surprised look when I told him I had been out there.
I haven’t really been DBing. Just existing I guess. H has continued to be attentive, helpful, and easy going. But I think he can definitely sense when something is off with me. It completely changes the dynamic in the house, and he tends to either go to sleep or leave the room.
I am going to read over the notes I took from my session with my DB coach, and maybe set a goal to do one thing over the weekend. I feel like I’m not doing anything productive towards DBing, and therefore obviously not getting anything in return (i.e., detachment, no expectations, etc.)
