Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing

[adinva]

Hi Jenna. You two are making a lot of progress. You've had good advice to write down exactly what you need - what does respecting you look like, etc. The more concrete the better, not to set a rulebook but to have a conversation where J gets to participate with his own thoughts about how he understands your needs, what his needs are, and what you both can do to meet them.

There are a lot of instances in your posts where he does something partly good and you slam him for not doing it all the way. No wonder he says he feels he's not good enough for you. No wonder he withdraws and punishes you back with the "numb" speech. No wonder he tried to avoid your ire by evading the truth before he came out with it - he still got slammed. He seems really intimidated by your anger - meaning it's not working for you the way you're expressing it.

By being really clear and specific you can avoid some of the miscommunication you're having. When you say respect you mean he asks permission on a case by case basis when he wants to stay out after work and frequently calls in. That's not a typical definition of respect. What you really need in that case, is the security of having a husband and father to your children who does not spend all or most of his free time partying or sleeping it off - meaning one day a week out late but not two, meaning 2am but not 4am, meaning whatever you really do mean. Asking permission is kind of unusual I think for a married couple. More like, hey hon I'm going to stay out till 4 am tonight and probably need to sleep it off till 2pm (response: I have things to do at 10am so I need to get a good night's sleep and have you on with the kids then, so could you make it 2am and be quiet when you come in?). I'm just trying out some ideas so you can see the difference between asking for what you need and asking for a vague thing - whose definition you can change anytime you think he's not measuring up in some area - like "respect."

You both love each other a lot it seems. If you can work through and be able to really talk and understand each other you can get to a more mature love.