It is the way that alcohol affects someone which makes them alcoholic. There are certainly high-functioning alkies who can drink every day and still make it to work, etc. And there are "occasional drinkers" who are alcoholics. Autumn has already stated how embarrassing her h's behavior was at the neighbors house and how his mood changes when he drinks. What bothers me is the way he treats her while under the influence; the mean jabs, baiting, spoiling for a fight, comments made to throw her off balance, and some gas lighting thrown in for good measure. Then he is "sorry" after. This is classic. I know it well. I lived with a high-functioning alkie for many years. It is a progressive addiction that will only get worse.
HollyAnn makes an excellent point... What's helpful in her words is either (her) definition of an alcoholic and/or an organizations (AA? Al-Anon?) definition of an alcoholic... Including how the drinkers actions affect everyone else, not just themselves...!
I know Starsky recommended Al-Anon. I liked the idea from the beginning, for help w/understanding your affect/role in this possibility. I love it now after reading HollyAnn's (personal experience) post.
Just remember... No matter his words and actions right now. They are a symptom of the problem... Actually a reaction, too. The man is cheating sober, too.
So. For you and your family's sake, consider Al-Anon. But, do it in tandem w/the rest of your plan. His potential alcoholism isn't the problem, it's just the first one to deal w/in a possible reconciliation OR future in co-parenting.
How did it go last night?
Loved the strength and resolve in your tone after dinner-time!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Well, our definition of alcoholic is different (huge suprise). I also have dealt with alcoholics who are sweet as pie even when drunk, but they still NEED to drink.
Alanon does help others learn how to deal with the effects of someones drinking and that is why I think it might be helpful.
Gosh, golly, our definition of gaslighting is also different. I guess using Holly Ann's definition, we are all guilty of doing it as well as victims of it, because we express our differing perspectives on a situation...
Autumn,
You are doing great not allowing your anger to fuel your choices. Anger should always be used as a shield and not a sword.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I'm really only back on DB for Autumn, because her situation seemed eerily similar... So, I don't know everyone's interactions.... I don't understand the use of (huge surprise). Even if I did know, I probably wouldn't get it!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Well, our definition of alcoholic is different (huge suprise). I also have dealt with alcoholics who are sweet as pie even when drunk, but they still NEED to drink.
Alanon does help others learn how to deal with the effects of someones drinking and that is why I think it might be helpful.
Gosh, golly, our definition of gaslighting is also different. I guess using Holly Ann's definition, we are all guilty of doing it as well as victims of it, because we express our differing perspectives on a situation...
Autumn,
You are doing great not allowing your anger to fuel your choices. Anger should always be used as a shield and not a sword.
Yeah, that's nice. But that is not Autumn's h. I see little chance of this guy being real unless the alcohol is dealt with. Seems he can't drink without acting like a douche toward her.
Just remember... No matter his words and actions right now. They are a symptom of the problem... Actually a reaction, too. The man is cheating sober, too.
So. For you and your family's sake, consider Al-Anon. But, do it in tandem w/the rest of your plan. His potential alcoholism isn't the problem, it's just the first one to deal w/in a possible reconciliation OR future in co-parenting.
Yeah, that's nice. But that is not Autumn's h. I see little chance of this guy being real unless the alcohol is dealt with. Seems he can't drink without acting like a douche toward her.
Very true, my H says some very mean and hateful things to me when drunk. His personality changes and he gets cocky. Most people outside of our m see him as a fun "party guy" but to me he gets critical and condescending.
It wasn't always this way. His drinking has been getting progressively worse. Went from beer, to a lot of beer, to hard liquor, very strong drinks with little mixers, shots daily.
So while I haven't said it here, yes I do believe he is an alcoholic.
I am seeking out al anon meetings. I have gone before but hit or miss, I was in denial but no more. I am going to do this for me because while living under the same roof I need the additional support.
25 you asked about my local support, and unfortunately I really don't have any. My family all lives in NJ and I am in PA. H's family is all here and has been my support in other things, but obviously can't be in this. My parents are both about an hour and a half in different directions from me. I do have one brother who lives in PA but he is 26 and I wouldn't think to lean on him for any of this. He is just going back to school for his PhD and doesn't need to worry about his sister.
I have some very good girlfriends that I think I can call on and gain support from, because this is going to be a long road.
I have an appt with a D atty on Tuesday morning to gather information and continue to plan. I am not telling him any of this, as it would set him off.
Last night when he got home he kissed me, and I asked him to please stop that as it made me uncomfortable. He said he understood.
He is trying to just brush this under as if nothing happened and expects me to do the same. Obviously I won't be doing that.
This weekend I really intend to GAL and enjoy the weekend. I have some gardening to do, and may go out with some girlfriends, still deciding.
I have an appt with a D atty on Tuesday morning to gather information and continue to plan. I am not telling him any of this, as it would set him off.
Very good, and wise. There are ways you can be truthful, but stealthy at the same time, Autumn. "I'm not sure what I want to do yet; sounds like we both have some important decisions to make" is a truthful -- yet still appropriately vague -- statement.
H: Do you want a divorce?
A: No, I've never wanted a divorce, but this isn't working for me either. I'm not sure what I want to do right now; I think we both have some important decisions to make.
H: What are you telling people?
A: Obviously, people know we're having problems right now, and I need the support. This is very hard on everyone.
H: Have you told your dad that I'm having an affair?
A: Look, I don't want to get into this right now. I'm certainly not going to LIE to cover up your affair, if that's what you're asking me. Look, I need to run a few errands, I"ll be back in a couple of hours.
