Great to hear from you and to know that you're getting something from this thread that helps.
I'm humbled to think that you can detect bravery in my approach to my sitch - I certainly don't feel brave. More like a craven coward/stumbling wreck most of the time.
But anyway.... just wanted to record that today, FINALLY, I think I might just have coped with a new development in a way that indicates I am starting to grow into a different/better person.
H rang to announce that he was going away tomorrow on a trip across the country "for work".
I backslid a bit by blurting out - "But it's the weekend" (i.e. you can't do work when businesses are closed). An awkward silence ensued, but I smoothed over it by saying that suitcases were here if he needed (180 for me).
A little later I was telling my mum about his trip - complaining that he's just threatened to stop paying the mortgage again because of cash flow problems, but can afford another new set of clothes for himself (yesterday) and an expensive flight and 4 nights' accommodation.
She suggested it may be a football trip - as she'd heard that the amateur league that he now 'plays' in does this sort of thing.
I foolishly went online to try to see if a trip had been organised by his club. Basically, I was clutching at any straw that would allow me to believe that H wasn't going on a trip with OW.
Couldn't find anything so decided to look at his mate's FB page to see if anything was mentioned there.
And what did I find?
OW's evil face (and I'm not exaggerating; she looks like a wolf in the pic - and this must be the best image she has of herself!) peering out at me as a 'friend' of H's best mate.
Now I know that OW and H's mate did not know each other previously, so the only way OW could be there is via my H.
Felt sick and sobbed for all of 2 mins.
Then decided to ring her and tell her to stop breaking up my marriage and ruining the lives of my 2 kids.
And to inform her that, as a practising psychologist, she should have some ethical concerns about pursuing my H in the way she has, and that I was not going to sit by and let her do this any more (veiled threat to notify the Board and have her investigated for de-registration).
Thought about ringing her practice partners and telling them too.
And then I thought to ring MIL and tell her just what her son has been up to - she told me just last week that she'd asked him if there was anyone else and he'd said "No".
"Of course he did, MIL, your son is an inveterate liar".
But then, I told myself to take some time. Think whether any of this would do my sitch any good.
I thought of all the wise heads on this site and what they would tell me to do.
And so, I pulled back, controlled my rage and decided to LET IT GO.
I don't have to care about OW.
If H wants to be with her, so be it.
I need to be better at handling myself than I have been in the past.
I need to learn to accept what I can't control and change what I can about myself to make me a better person.
In this case, I can change by showing compassion and kindness in the face of H's crisis. If I am ever going to get to a better place, I figure this is what I need to do.
And, much to my surprise, I feel good. So much better than being angry and lashing out.
I still fantasise a little about slapping her wolfish mug, but I'm concentrating on being a better person.
