Stuck in a mess

[Denver_2010]

At what point is it ok (if ever) to go against some of the 37 rules?

I also wanted to add that I am 99.9% certain that there is no OW. I really don't believe that H is capable of it. H has some pretty strong opinions about infidelity (FIL cheated on MIL & H's XW did the same with H's former best friend) as well as strong opinions about those who engage in it.

You're welcome for the laugh, but I meant it when I listed it on my own thread. I believe in having the goals, applying a strategy to reaching those goals, and measuring our success as move along. Others would argue with me on this, but I have refused to accept that possibility that I would not be successful with my goals. I've had let downs, and I always haven't followed the DB strategy, or even my own strategy at times. But I've approached this like Rocky and have refused to give up.

I used to believe that I was in 'piecing' every time my W would agree to speak with me or see me for whatever reason. I'm exaggerating a bit, lol, but my point is that I was WAY to optimistic whenever I'd have positive things happen. 'Piecing' is only when both spouses are committed to the M and to reconciliation. I'm not there yet. And once we are there, it is a life long process. We will always be 'piecing'.

I'd say that you should stick very closely to the 37 rules for now. Your invitations are pursuing behavior. Pursuing behavior is also usually pressuring behavior.

Leave him be. Follow the 37 rules... or those that are applicable anyway.

Wait. See if you start seeing small signs of improvement.

Optimally, what we'd like to see is some pursuit from him. But that won't happen if you are pursuing him.

Lastly, on a down note, and please don't let this upset you... but I'd be careful in discounting the possibility of a OW. I said the same stuff about my W and was in denial. I hope that you are right, but I also don't want to see you blown out of the water with that bomb if it happens.

Hang in there.

Denver