I still keep going...

[adinva]

That was a great post KG! You are so self-aware! Knowing so much about yourself is going to be the key. You're still lashing out with angry unproductive words but you know you're doing it and why, and that's huge!

I learned that I had anger too, although you'd never have known it and I'd never have thought it. Mine comes out in whistling, singing, ignoring, being cheerful, and other bizarre responses to extreme stress, but it's how I coped growing up. When people say you have to "work through" your anger I had no idea what that meant, still don't really get it, but I spent a whole hour of therapy on that question. What does working through it mean?

You have to identify and feel your anger - sounds like you do that really well. But - the way you let it out hurts you and others and is self-defeating (I wonder if a lot of your "I'm hurt that he is..." statements could have been rephrased as "I'm angry at myself because I see that he is..." - while you sound angry at him, I think some of it's directed at yourself). Anyway, feel it, establish how intense it is - do you fly off the handle at big things and small? Do you recognize that? Are you angry about the situation at hand or did it just stir up older emotions that are unfairly applied to this situation? Get to understand your anger. Consider journaling it.

Then, decide what you want to do with that. Your gut instinct may be to yell nasty words. Is that going to get you where you want? Is that who you want to be? What would be more productive to deal with the situation you're angry about. Maybe someone on the phone made you feel really angry, and your first inclination is to let her have it, really chew her out and make her feel small. Will that accomplish what you want?

If you can start to train yourself to wait when you feel angry, so you have time to understand the feeling and how you want to respond, you'll be able to make better decisions about how to respond productively. Try to remove yourself from the situation in order to respond later. Try it with little frustrations and recognize and feel good about small successes, and practice it more.

For me, I think journaling is the thing that would help the most. Other things that could help you work out the anger - exercise, walking, music, talking to someone.

My challenge is to have no expectations that I will receive any emotional support from them when I am going through the most difficult time in my life and need their love and support the most.

Be careful about setting up expectations you know are unrealistic and then railing against the unfairness. I am also going through a difficult time and have not talked to my parents about it. I need love and support, and I'm seeking it where I know I'll get it. This board is one place. Selected friends are another. T is another. NOT my parents, by my choice, because I know better.

I never learned to express my feelings in a positive way. I saw that either you shove them inside - like my dad, or you express your hurt by playing strong (meaning angry) to keep the boat afloat - like my mom.

I can relate to this. What can you do differently?

who didn't really know how to express her love and hurt to her husband in a positive, healthy way and is now suffering from his abandonment as well.

You're not a little kid anymore. Your relationship with H was as equals, and you're not powerless to him like a kid is to parents. Your behavior hurt him and he left in order to relieve his hurt. He didn't abandon you. The good news is that you got a huge wake up call and are working to solve your own problems. That is really good for your future. That is your power, and it's what you control.

I see him happy and how he has moved on with his life, while I struggle with my issues.

Is it too hard to imagine being happy that he's not in pain? Your struggle is not connected to his happiness, but you're trying to correlate them. You've got to focus on yourself separate from him.

He has a very solid R with OW. Someone who is helping him grow and become a better person. I am hurt that she is doing all these things for him that I strived to do and was not successful. Their R is a daily reminder of my own shortcomings and inadequacies and bring out my worst insecurities.

Can you let go of your anger at yourself? Can you forgive yourself? You didn't have the tools and skills you needed then, and you are getting them now. Be proud of yourself! You got dealt a difficult hand and you're trying to make it better.

A reminder of how I could not bring out the best in him and of how he was not willing to become a better person with me and for me. A reminder that he has ultimately moved on and is happy without me.

You're hurting yourself with this line of reasoning - can you get your focus back on improving yourself?

My H had also been angry with me ever since he left. He had admitted that he had not forgiven me, yet I think he is now trying to get to that point. I am hurt that he is overcoming his issues and I am not. I am hurt that he is reaching forgiveness and I have not.

Be more patient with yourself, and try to see what's good. Would you rather he not overcome his issues? Would you rather he not forgive? Get out of his sandbox and keep working in your own, at your own pace.

And because of this, I am also having a hard time forgiving myself. I struggle to shake the notion that I must have been this terrible monster during our marriage, because who would abandon a wife that is 2-months pregnant unless she was really that bad...

He did an awful thing. You're not the only one at fault. But that line of thought doesn't really help you either; just focus on where you go from here.

So my identified problems are:
- I need to learn to feel, accept and express all my emotions, specially hurt, in a positive way and not turn them into anger, so I can break the anger cycle that has prevailed in my family for generations now.

Maybe your hurt is really anger. Anger is OK. You need to be able to feel it. Have you read The Dance of Anger? I found it very helpful.

- I need to forgive myself so I can start creating and living the good life that I and my kids deserve

YES. How long would you like to wait before starting to create this good life? One year? Ten years? Now? Rise like a phoenix and make it happen.

I think that even spending this time writing about it, is a positive sign that maybe the worst of this crisis has passed.

I think you're awesome. What you're doing, some people never do, because they feel entitled to their anger and entitled to hurt other people with it. You don't want that. Keep growing, Keep Going.