Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

AT- Tough times for sure. My w moved out 8 months ago, 3 kids, its hard!

I'm really sorry. It kills me not to see my kids every day. D15 came to the realization this morning that I'm actually not pathetic at all. I'm not hung up on W, but bearing whatever pain she throws my way while doing whatever is in my power to protect my family. It was nice to hear her say that.

So is the letter an ultimatum? What are you prepared to do if she doesn't agree? Why do you feel the need to send it, don't you think she knows how you feel about the seperation already?

The letter is not an ultimatum. It's more of an urging. I decided not to send it. I'll post it in my next post.

W hasn't moved out yet. My goal right now is to do whatever it takes to make W comfortable staying in the house while we allow DBing to happen, while giving her ample space and trying not to make her feel pressured or manipulated.

But I feel I have to make it clear:
1) I feel that moving into two houses will cause a significant trauma to the children. I feel it should be avoided if possible.
2) I do not feel that we have begun to tap my willingness to give you enough space to make something like our children's current living arrangement comfortable for you, W.
3) If you will meet me for four sessions over the next month or so with someone to mediate and help us communicate about what can make this arrangement work, and it does not produce results you can be comfortable with, I can concede that we did what we could to avoid this step and remove barriers to your moving out, W.


You're right, she knows how I feel, maybe? I've certainly said most of what can be said, but she still doesn't hear me over her anger and distortions. My words don't mean to her what they mean to me coming out, but she does some Voodoo WAW magic and they become something different.

I feel I need to say something because she is convinced that there is no way for us to heal in this arrangement. I want her to know that if she will give this an honest try (I can give her space, I just want the kids to be able to keep their home), I can accept the outcome if it doesn't work.

IMO your wife needs space and you need to give it to her to have a chance.

What are you doing to GAL? What are you doing for you?

Keep posting.

Best!!

I have been working to increase space. I stopped sending her emails two weeks ago. I keep texts to a minimum. But I do see her Tuesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. Honestly, I think things may have been getting better here and there, but coming home to have it out over the taxes had her spitting bile again.

The thing is, she doesn't tell me when things are not working. She just decides more divorce. It is so frustrating. After I moved home, ruined everything (She was thinking of R, but unwilling to say, "If you do this, I'll file D". She filed D. I was shocked.) I spent a month or two at home with her thinking things were getting better until about two weeks before our court date she became a nervous wreck and made it clear to me that she was going crazy being in the house with me.

I want her to meet with me and a counselor and ask/plan for something to take the pressure off and see what happens. I'm so tired of communication being so broken.

We have two major challenges that I can't easily 180 myself out of. One is that I spied on her when I became worried about the OM and whether she was planning to destroy me with lawyers. I invaded her privacy and she thinks about it all the time. She got new computers and does most of her OM correspondence on an iPad he gave her over 3G instead of wifi. The pain won't go away. If that event - my spying on her - were an arm, I'd probably cut it off and burn it. I can't make it disappear and I know that trust takes a long time to rebuild.

The other problem is the money. She tried to isolate herself from me financially back in July because she was afraid of me melting down and going bankrupt. Well, her talking separation or divorce sent me into a meltdown and put me 15k or so in debt. My hanging on and slowing down her process probably means we share that debt together and I can stick her with half of it in a D. But she's trying to divorce the guy who got into that mess - the one who couldn't focus on work or bill clients or keep his [censored] together.

That figure - the 15k - is the shortfall between what I produced last year, and what I needed to produce to keep our family fed and housed and not bankrupt. I blamed her for my depression and fixed on the idea that we would share the cost. I think to make this go away, I need to find a way to shoulder that debt on my own. And if we get D'ed anyway, that is a terrible plan because I won't be able to pay the bills and handle the debt.

If she stays in the house, we don't have to buy new furniture, and I keep renting a room for $115 a week instead of two separate expensive places to be, I can pay down the debt.


GAL? Mostly I work and I'm with the kids. I'm making a facebook game for fun. Learning to cook!!! that's been a good one. I'm planning on reaching out to see if some other people want to help me with my game so I'll have some more human interaction in my life.