Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[25yearsmlc]

a few small 2 x 4s

Thanks Yas, I agree with you she even used those words herself in January. Now that things are even keel between us that has made the detaching a lot harder. Our interactions have been pleasant and positive recently.

As far as the catalyst for where we are primarily:
1) I was verbally abusive (alcohol induced) on a handful of occcassions during our 1.5 year marriage, I think primarily driven by the financial stress I was feeling as well as the stress of acclimating in the role of stepfather to my 3 stepchildren.


How has any of this^^^ changed? Why or how would you interact differently with the kids if you were to reconcile?


2) After she hit her "breaking point" but prior to our physically separating, she started an EA with another man.
3) Things got really ugly after I found out/called them both out on this/confronted OM etc. He now carries a concealed weapon around apparently for fear of me for whatever reason, aside from being a 5'5 Clay Aiken look alike he has no reason to be scared, he's not worth my time ;-).


she feared you enough to get a restraining order, correct? And OM fears you enough to get a gun? is it possible you are, intentionally or not, intimidating to people?

Do you think that is attractive?

Hey maybe I'm growing as I can air my faults without saying but I did this, this, and this now... ;-)

Most of our texts are general conversation now, since the dealings with the kids are her responsibility now. I have tried to be involved, asked to do things with the kids but that is a no-go at this point because she doesn't want to "confuse" them. But it is ok for them to approach me when it is fundraising time at school, and I welcome that.

I honestly am not trying to bribe and control her, but I am pointing out what she already knows in that her life would be much easier with a partner.

that^^^^ IS bribery and trying to control. If she "already knows that" then why on earth are YOU pointing it out? Stop that.

You complain that you are in limboland and that you are not "really" DBing...so how can WE help you since that forms the basis of our approach?

I have always been there for her and sadly I still am and she knows this... That is part of my trying to show unconditional love for them though.

That is a good idea to set up a monthly deposit to the college funds, if nobody else is going to invest in their future at least that's something I can do.

She can't see my changes and she still doesn't believe I don't drink.


b/c you are still pointing things out that she already knows, which is verbally, at least, more of the same old you. And b/c you DO still drink. You said so yourself.

A "handful" of verbally abusive episodes that deeply wounded & frightened her may not seem like much to you (part of the problem) but in 18 months of marriage? That is a LOT.

and IF I truly believed alcohol was a factor at all - in the demise of my marriage, it would be an "allergy" for me that I'd never touch again. Simple as that.

The frustrating thing for me now is that as far as our interpersonal relationship goes, it's the best it has been in the past six months. There is obviously no love being shown by her (aside from her genuine concern when I was visiting the hospital), but our communications are jovial and pleasant, almost like the early dating days. The problem is this is making me have EXPECTATIONS that something more signifiantly positive is going to happen soon. I really think she is starting to see the light just a little bit, but perhaps this is mind reading.

I feel I am in the best spot since all of this started, and even though that may the case trying to DB is harder than it has ever been...

Thanks again for your feedback and thoughts Yas as always they are greatly appreciated! :-)

Detach and back off. Don't point out your changes. That itself would be a change.

Be kind and gentle to her and concerned for the kids. Help them when you can but have no expectations of them. That truly does help bring you closer.