My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[timbits]

I absolutely would take a lesser stress job over the money. I suffer from a heart condition that is worse from stress and I have trained as a chef. I would prefer to have my own catering operation or open my own business (which I'm aware is stressful, but what I love to do) and make less money than what I'm doing now. I just can't afford to feed, house and cloth us, as well as pay all of the bills and pay off our debt (I have my own student loan debt, too). I'm paying it off because I'm trying to make things better for the BOTH of us, but I feel really angry that I'm working so hard while he's out cheating on me.

I wouldn't mind having to work a stressful job if he were contributing and helping support us. I feel like it would be worth it if we were independent (not living with his P's) and on our own. But I do resent him for not helping me. I feel like the responsibility is all dumped on me. It's really hard.

I do enjoy aspects of my job. I'm very good at what I do, but it isn't what I love to do. I guess it would be bearable if my home like was happier. Right now it's miserable and I feel like it's harder to adapt to the stress when I have no outlet, no one to talk to and I go home and it's exactly the same thing. I feel very alone, like I don't have ANYONE to talk to. I have to suck it up, go to work and be the dependable one. Always. I'm 29. I feel like I'm 50.

[Sad in WI]

Timbits,

When my W firswt dropped the bomb on me she dumped the all the household chores on me. While new to doing it myself I pressed forward acting like I have always done it (one of my 180's was to help more). She is now warming up to help with the kids and the house.

It is normal to feel like you do - you are making all the changes while the other spouse do their own thing. Hang in there.

SIW

[mimivac]

I'm just really frustrated because just when I feel things were starting to look up in other areas of my life, my M starts to fall apart, something I never thought would happen.

I understand this feeling and how it can fuel anger. For me, I had finally finished treatment for a life-threatening illness, my h and I had purchased our dream house, and we both had steady, well-paying jobs. I was breathing a sigh of relief and thinking, "finally. Smooth sailing." What I learned is that life doesn't work that way. It ebs and flows. Far from feeling insecure about this, I am finding my ability to handle it very comforting. Now I know that I can handle the pitfalls of life and don't always have to have everything running perfectly in order to be happy. It's actually a very empowering feeling.

We had another argument last night. I'm trying to detatch, but he was moping around yesterday and complaining about how "depressed" he was. It just made me angry.

This is where GAL comes in. Try not to take his depression personally. That is something he has to work out on his own and it has many facets, some of which you probably are not even aware of. I used to feel incredibly guilty and anxious when my h got this way. He was like this for months before the bomb and I always felt like I caused the depression and that I had to "fix" it. Of course, I could not. I would also get angry because his depression was bringing me down, too. Sometimes he would annouce in advance that we would not be having a good weekend because of his depression. It got so that it was really affecting my ability to enjoy life. You have encouraged him to see an IC and that's good. If he wants to talk and share his feelings, let him do so and simply validate them if you can. Otherwise, try to get busy with your own life and activities so that you are not tempted to confront him. Maybe the next time he mopes around the house, ask if he wants to talk about it or if he wants to join you in an activity. If he is determined to sulk, go do that activity yourself. Make a commitment to yourself to do this everytime and you will be less focused on him.

MC suggested we go out on a date and not talk about our problems. I plan on having a nice, light lunch. We'll see how well that turns out...

This is good. H and I pretty much employ this policy full time. Our mc sessions are the platform we use to discuss the R and hash out our problems. Outside of that, we live our own lives and get together to enjoy each other's company. It is working for us so far and takes the pressure off for the time being.

For GAL, I'm taking a class in jewellery making. I'm also going to the gym, going out at nights to movies, inviting friends over for dinner. That type of thing. Basically being more social. H is invited to go along, but if he doesn't want to, I'll go myself.

Great! Keep it up.

She was someone new to talk to. She was someone different. She wrote herself. She has 3 kids and he played with them. She was refreshing. I'm the boring, nagging wife who takes care of the house, pays the bills and handles everything. I feel like I became his mother.

If you feel that way, I can see some potential 180's here for you. Part of your GAL could be to do different activities, to "refresh" yourself, in a sense. You say you don't write, but are an avid reader. Why not join a book club? You can expand yourself, while also having a potential new (creative) topic to discuss with your h.

Have you thought about delegating some of the financial or other obligations to your h? It might make him feel more responsible for your M, more like part of a team with you and less like your subordinate. And it would relieve some of the pressure on you to do everything.

Good luck!

Mimi

[mimivac]

I absolutely would take a lesser stress job over the money. I suffer from a heart condition that is worse from stress and I have trained as a chef. I would prefer to have my own catering operation or open my own business (which I'm aware is stressful, but what I love to do) and make less money than what I'm doing now. I just can't afford to feed, house and cloth us, as well as pay all of the bills and pay off our debt (I have my own student loan debt, too). I'm paying it off because I'm trying to make things better for the BOTH of us, but I feel really angry that I'm working so hard while he's out cheating on me.

You sound very resentful of h for having to put off your dreams to support the two of you. Understanable. But I really think it would be helpful for you and the m to own this and take control of your own life. You chose to work at your higher-paying job rather than pursue a catering business. You had good reasons for doing so, but it was still your decision. Despite all the financial complications, you can now choose to do otherwise. In steps. Thinking about quitting your job and establishing a business while you are in debt and living in someone else's house will seem too overwhelming. But this is your life and you have a dream for it. Why accept anything less than trying to fulfill that?

What would your life look like in five years if you started taking steps today to live the life you've always wanted? What would it look like if you didn't? What is the very first step you can take on that road? Maybe researching grants for chefs, or reading about starting off with a food truck business (sorry, I don't know anything about this, so my suggestions might be nonsense). You don't have to do anything drastic yet. Just think, read, talk to others in the field.

Mimi

[~ kd ~]

Just to add in regard to your H.

You don't need to feel sorry for him and you also don't need to punish him.

The solution might be to encourage and support him to save himself. That doesn't mean doing things for him, but it might mean encouraging him in things like therapy or finding out what his "small steps" might be towards his goals (and sharing yours with him, he might be motivated to figure out how to support you in your own goals and dreams).

When he does something good, succeeds in a small step, offer positive words, "That's great, I'm happy you succeeded in that step." If he is down, listen and validate, but don't coddle. And if he has a misstep, do your best to not bring it up to him. He's likely expecting that, so give him something different. Then, he can't react and behave the same way he always does.

[timbits]

Sorry it's been so long since I've written here. Things were pretty intense at home for a while.

Honestly, I'm still wondering if I want to stay in this M. I mean, H is doing better, but at the same time, I think that everyone deserves to be happy. I'm not happy with the way the M is, he isn't either, but I don't think he's willing to put the work in to make this work.

I'm trying to GAL, but it's hard right now. I'm having a pot-luck party tomorrow night and have a work event Wednesday and H and I are going to a movie with some friends Thursday. All Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday are involved with a work forum that I have to attend. I guess this is kind of me doing my GAL work as I'm not sitting around the house, moping. I had a nice, lazy weekend reading, surfing the web and watching movies. I am fairly irritated with H right now. He's started taking a medication which has stopped his suicidal ideation, but has made him "testy", shall we say? Well, I don't deserve to bear the brunt of this. He can be a jerk with someone else. I'll just ignore it and focus on other things.

This kind of is a 180 for me. Usually, I'd get mad back and tell him to knock it off. Right now I'm just ignoring it and doing my own thing.

[timbits]

Yesterday was a bit better. H is still grumpy, but I ignored it for the most part. I made an awesome mac and cheese with bacon for the pot luck tonight. I went to bed and woke up around 1:30am (REALLY bad heartburn...) and heard H grumbling around. I went to the living room as I couldn't sleep with the heartburn and asked what had happened. He accidentally stepped on his laptop and shattered the screen. He was able to hook it up to a monitor so he can back up the files, but he was p!ssed. Understandably so, but I didn't really try to comfort him.

I opened a claim under our tenant's policy for the laptop (I'm an insurance agent and have great coverage and no deductible or previous claims) as I'm not forking over another $1 000 for a new one. I feel badly becase this is the last gift his grandfather gave him the Christmas before he passed away, but, in the same vein, it's also the laptop that he would spend hours on, writing to OW. Honestly, I'm a little pleased that he'll get a new one and get that old one with the bad vibes out of the house.

He was in a better mood today. He called me at work to discuss what wine he'll pick up for the party tonight. I'm tired because I couldn't really get to bed until 2:30am or so, but I'm looking forward to tonight. Should be a good time.

Trying to GAL. It's a bit difficult at the moment.

[timbits]

Made a decision regarding my GAL. I was considering taking the above advice to join a book club. There aren't a lot in my community, and I was worried because the OW was in one and I didn't want to meet up with her there. So, I've decided to form my own. I know a bunch of people who would be interested (my mom would LOVE it, for instance), and I have a lot of friends and coworkers who love to read, so I am going to start one myself! That will certainly keep me busy!

[timbits]

Still chugging along. I have done a lot of thinking of my resentment of H during our marriage, especially for the job situation. And I've decided that though I do feel that I am doing the lion's share of supporting the family, I can't really blame him for me having to work a stressful job. There are parts of my job that I do enjoy and it pays very, very well. It's a great company with amazing benefits and it treats its staff very well. I guess it just became easy to blame H for my stress. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's fair that I work all day and come home to a messy house while he played video games all day. But, I have to own my decisions in this as well.

H might have a job, btw. He has an interview later this week and feels pretty good about his chances. This would really help a lot. We can move out of the IL's home (thank God) and have some privacy.

I've made another decision. If H doesn't get the job (or any job) and we can't move out, I'm sticking to my deadline of moving out of the house by November. If he isn't coming with me, then that's his decision. My decision is that I deserve to have my own space and enjoy my living area. I love H, but I can't keep living in that home. His M is toxic and I can't sit there and deal with it any longer.

I'm still deciding a lot of things. I'm working on my GAL. I've signed up for a rug hooking class with a coworker. I've also started a book club. We're going to meet in two weeks. I'm researching the first book and going to decide on some ground rules. I'm really looking forward to it. Busy is better in my situation. I can't stand sitting home, stewing while he's off somewhere else. Now, if he's out (like tonight, he's at a poetry reading), I'm going to relax, watch a movie (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo remake this evening) and enjoy my self and the quiet. I had a really busy weekend. We had a regional forum at work and I was there all day Saturday and most of the day today. So I'm tired and I'm just going to enjoy the evening for myself.

H and I have another MC session on Thursday. H has IC on Tuesday and has to see our GP to discuss his meds for depression. I have completely let go of feeling any responsibility for his condition. I've given that back to him. He needs to manage his own health. And I need to manage mine. First thing first: Take care of myself.

[timbits]

Journal: Today is going well. I had a good day at work. H has done a lot around the house this weekend while I was working, but got a little pissy with me because he had to go to a reading last night and wanted me to do a bunch of laundry and wash a dish in the sink. Honestly, it will be 2 weeks before I have a day off and I'm EXHAUSTED. I put on the laundry, but when I went to do the casserole dish in the sink, discovered that H used up all the dish soap and didn't tell me. So I had no soap. At this point I said "Screw this", filled up the dish with water and left it. I watched a movie for the rest of the night and relaxed.

H was a little pissy over this. I pretty much told him to get over it, I had worked all weekend and was entitled to relax. He just rolled his eyes like it's typical. I find it irritating, because I work all week and he sits around, hardly doing a thing. The house could be a total mess and he wouldn't care. But now suddenly, he's spent 1 weekend doing housework and suddenly he's "sick of doing everything"? I'm just ignoring him. That's a BIG 180 for me. Usually when he pisses me off, I tell him about it and get mad. Right now I'm just ignoring him and not taking the bait. He tends to try to pick fights about stupid things when he's really upset about something completely different. I can't stand passive aggressive behaviour, so if he can't be an adult and tell me what's wrong, then I'm just going to ignore it.