The dinners I planned to fill the freezer with were going to be a nice selection of TV dinners, the calorie controlled kind. I will have stuff available for us both, but we can eat serarate. Which at this point would be important to me.
I want to be able to zip out the door without worrying about anything.
Funny BeingMe, you know my H so well. When he is sick he is a big baby. When I am sick it is my problem. And his abilities to do things stop at the door. He is great at yardwork. We both do some. I deal with the car maintenance, he is a wiz at fixing stuff.
But for all the years he was gone so much with the military, a lot fell on me. And he has forgotten it!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
WEll, Wendy - I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a minute.
First of all - what is your goal at the moment? To punish H for his unfaithfulness? To make him feel what it will be like to be divorced? Or to show him how nice it could be with the two of you, without OW?
Not judging any of these goals, just pointing out that your current behavior might not line up with your goals.
Then, the devil's advocate part - in your current situation, H's job is to go to work and bring home the income, your job is to take care of the homefront. I'm not judging or making any comments on SAH wives - I've been both in my time. I'm just saying that THAT is your current agreement, and your H might legitimately feel put out if he has to come home from work and do things like clean up dog barf and wipe down moldy furniture before he can relax.
Now, you can CHANGE that agreement. You can announce to H that you have taken a job and that from now on you will each be doing half the housework and half the cooking. That would be fair (and maybe not a bad idea, anyway, to start looking for a job for yourself).
Or, if you don't choose to do that yet, I would suggest you become a little more professional about how you approach your current job of home executive. There are good books and websites on the subject for those of us who are not naturally inclined (myself included). My favorite is this one: http://flylady.net/
Don't underestimate the importance of this stuff to your H, even if it doesn't really matter that much to you.
You can play devil's advocate. My goal is to get some distance from him. He wants to act like nothing is different, eat our meals, me continue to what I have always done, him to do what he wants.
I have always kept the house nice. When you hear about moldy furniture and dog barf, it sounds like I haven't done anything in ages. The house is 3800 sf, plus a huge lanai and carport. And one acre of jungle. It is actually a full time job to keep up. I was just in the room with the mold the other day, because I had to clean up rainwater that flooded in the windows. I think that is where the mold came from.
I am a good housekeeper, that isn't the problem. The problem is that my H sees only the bad and never the good. If he doesn't see something happen it didn't happen. I actually pondered making a big change and not do any housework unless he was home.
I do know I can't go on the way I am. The house, housework and my H all give me horrible anxiety.
I think me just doing a better job of GALing would be the best answer. My long term goal is to have him turn back into a guy I can love. And for him to love me. But I am really having a hard time seeing that happen.
I will think some more on this!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
KML, I believe when a man breaks his vows, then he cannot expect everything else to go on as normal. I think, like my D31, Wendy has had to be very independent with no H at her side while he is away with the military. She has more than kept up her end of the bargain (their vows). So, long stretches of time with loneliness, doing stuff on her own, being the mom and dad to the children. Then, her H has the gall to cheat! Wendy, don't worry about anything ... give yourself some slack. Let him see what it's like when you don't do anything, IMO. Have a break, a mini holiday for a couple of days. I like that you spent some time on the boat, and that it seemed to relax you. You only have one life ... live it.
I think Wendy and I are in the same position, except I'm somewhat further down the line. I am happy, and keen to live my life without my H. I doubt I would be interested in him, the way he is now.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I had a bad night last night. I was the one with the spew. Couldn't let go. He came home from work and I told him about what the termite people want.
He tells me he wants it done while he is out of town. I tell him this is a big undertaking and I am not doing it alone.
All the food in the house and anything else you might eat or use in your mouth has to be bagged in speciaal bags. All the cats and dogs have to be taken somewhere else.
And when it is over you get to clean up every dead bug that was killed while killing the termites. A friend of mine said it was a horrible ordeal.
I wanted to wait and tent after we sell, while the house is empty. H is convinced it must be done NOW!
That conversation led me to ask him why he won't go to MC with me. He says our marriage is broken and can't be fixed. I said if it is broken, then we are broken. He says that there is nothing wrong with him. (Guess it is me)
I continue my usless rant and ask him why he thinks he can leave our broken relationship and enter a new one and things will be magically better. He says it just will be.
This is going to make going dark easy. I knew last night not to be in the house with him. I had my gym bag packed with a book, so I could leave early and just read somwhere until yoga class. But when I went to leave I got caught up in the termite discussion.
He and I don't email, I think we should start. I think for now face to face is bad.
I also had noticed that H hasn't called me by my name in ages. And that hurts me. I believe he just really doesn't care about me anymore, I am someone who works for him, in his mind, I get treated like a servant.
Anyway, I hope you all do something fun this weekend!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Wendy, Do you have a bug issue right now? If not, I think you are very wise in considering having the house "tented" when it is completely empty. This is a huge undertaking and yes, you have to bag all food items up and the pets will need to relocated during that period. Notice how he wants it done while he's away? He wants you, mom, to take care of everything. I wouldn't even think about doing this w/o him there.
Wendy, long before they start hooking up w/op, they have already detached from us and that's why you think he doesn't care about you. They are way ahead of us in detaching, but they are also way behind us at the end of the day. Why? Because they are self-medicating and we are the ones that are facing the pain each and every day, but we are also learning life's lessons as we go along.
You need to set your boundaries because right now, he doesn't respect you as his wife, companion, mother or lover. I'm sorry that he's acting like a true blue butt, but twinkle has sprinkled fairy dust into his eyes and he can't see anything but the illusive happiness he thinks that the will have w/her.
Now is the time to start taking care of Wendy and doing what Wendy needs to do in order to survive this mess.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Look your situation needs some distance. We have all been where you are, in some form or another. Heard the horrible stuff and got the horrible behaviour. It stinks, but there isn't a thing we can do about the MLcer, only ourselves. They aren't rational or kind with regard to us, and we didn't deserve it.
Until you detach you will be miserable. Detaching will help to restore your equilibrium and move you towards a happier place Going after your h and trying to change his mind doesn't work. Never has and never will in MLC.
To some extent I agree with Kml. You are a stay at home wife. But I also agree with Beingme - military wives are different. And so actually are wives generally. There are vows, and your husbands behaviour has released you from obligations. But none of that registers with the MLCer. This isn't about rights and wrongs, it is about getting done what needs to be done to move the situation on.
So detach, and set out your boundaries. We needed to sell our house, [and I had been living elsewhere] So I moved back in and cleaned and sorted, and did far more than my 'fair share' because I wanted it sold, to move on.
What are your longer term goals - to move on from this horrible place you are in? The more you do, the faster you can move on.
Sorry to be tough, but I have been reading along, and you are going round and round in circles of misery and disbelief. I am so sorry for where you are, but time to pull up the big girl panties. Hugs, B
