Needing some guidance...

[jks]

Not much to report. H still hasn't said a word to me about rescheduling our breakfast. He always seems happy when I see him and he's always nice. The drop off of the kids today was fast and uneventful.

These are the only times I get to see him. I still put on my happy face and I try to be up and ready for the day when he gets here. I've been doing a lot better at keeping things tidy. But have yet to organize the kid's toys which has been weighing on my shoulders ever since I moved in with my mom. And to make it worse, my S had two birthday parties this week so now he has a ton more to add to the pile. Looks like we're gonna have to get rid of some things. Total anxiety just thinking about it. My goal is to get this done tomorrow. We shall see.

I'm just wondering if anyone has had the experience of having your spouse totally and completely not talk about things at all for weeks and weeks and weeks on end. And acting like things are completely fine. I have this nagging feeling of just wanting to know what he's thinking and then I forget about it for a day and then I go right back to it again.

So many times I've been tempted to text him and ask him what he's thinking. But my first thought after that is, "no, you've come this far... you're doing really well... plus, is this going to push him further away or is it going to bring him closer?" And obviously it will probably push him away.

He is the KING of not talking about anything. For our whole marriage I have pretty much gotten just the surface of him. He just doesn't share his deepest thoughts... ever! For the most part he has always just agreed with what I say. And through this separation I have forced so much out of him that I never knew. It is quite astonishing.

I was even the one that brought up the subject of him not loving me anymore. I still, to this day, don't know if he would have ever said anything. This, I know, is something that must change if we stay together. I, like most women, need that emotional connection. And it cannot be forced, he needs to feel safe enough to want to share it with me. I hope and pray that one day our relationship can go to that level. Long roads ahead... wow...