MLC? Feels like I'm living in a time warp! I year ago Nov, my H accepted a job promotion. They needed him immediately - he went on (3 hrs away) while the boys and I stayed behind to sell the house. He was getting impatient and told me he would give the house away if we had to. The boys and I needed to get here soon so we could be a family again ( told me this in June 2011) House finally sold and we moved into our new one in late Aug. In the beginning, he came home every weekend. Then it was every two weeks- then we traded off with visits. This went on from nov 2010-aug 2011. Nearly a year! Looking back - he was only home on the weekends for a month or so. Since we moved into this small neighborhood, my neighbors have met him ONCE, Halloween night. I noticed shortly afterwards that he was distant physically. I asked him about it and he blamed it on work. After another weekend out of town,I questioned him about never being home on the weekends and told him we needed to talk. He agreed. When he got home that night, I wanted to talk about spending more time together - that's when he told me we wasn't happy and had not been happy for years! I was shocked! Shortly after i found a receipt where he purchased a pair of boots and a cross necklace - I have yet to get that necklace. When questioned, he told me he bought it for a friend of a friend. WTH! I pushed H into a love and respect class on the Friday and sat before valentines day. He was out of town and came back on valentines day. I had romantic plans for us...once the boys went to bed...he recited the dreaded words "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you" and told me he would move or Friday when the boys left for school. I had no words- just tears and feelings of disbelief. WHO IS THIS PERSON. A few days later, on our credit card were two airline tickets to Cancun! I called airlines and they gave me the names on the tickets! One for H and other for OW! I was mad, hurt , confused- just to name a few! When I called him on this- he DENIED..again! Said he was golfing there and her and her friends wanted a vacation. He told me "we r not staying in same room" i was speechless. Even received two text messages that were meant for her! And get this, when I ask about it he gets furious. He even spent the night at the house when he knew we were gone and went thru my emails( inbox and those I sent out) even did a search to see what I'd been googling! He called me that night and reemed me for being curious about OW! He told me when he moved out he had every intension of coming back..,but I ruined it! It's almost comical! He is so angry and I have no idea where it is coming from! The man I married would never talk to me or treat me the way "this man" does!He still won't admit she exist.....swears he cancelled the trip weeks ago...yet no credit on cc! The trip was this weekend...needless to say- I barely survived! Help please!
Yes, it sounds like midlife crisis. I am sorry you are going through this. They are very irrational and confused.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I agree ... detaching is the best thing to do. I was what helped me, ultimately. Just make sure you are safe, financially. He should not be paying for OW on family money. Until you are separated or divorced, his money is your money too.
In the meantime, GAL, meet new people, get out and about, even if it's to the gym. If he gets argumentative, walk away. If he leaves, then get a S agreement in place ASAP, so that you know where you stand financially. Believe me, it gets worse before it gets better. I maintain that the better a marriage was, the worse the MLCer will treat the LBS. They will be afraid of the needless pain they put you through, and will make all the justifications they can think of for having the A, and/or leaving.
Listen for "the kids are resilient, they'll be okay" or my "favorite" history revision "I've never been happy", "we should never have gotten married". Blah Blah Blah. The strangest lies and denials will come out of his mouth, things that are alien to your loving H, the one you married. So, detach, put on your safety belt and gear up for quite a ride. I am not trying to scare you, just warning and preparing.
I hope I'm going to be wrong. Good luck!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Oh, and he'll blame you for everything, the weirdest little thing will seem planet sized, and something you may have forgotten, or it never happened. There is no way you can defend yourself against this, except to say "sorry you feel that way." Then give him as much space as possible.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Everything that's been said ^^^^^^^ is true. I am so sorry. We've all had the same thing happen to us with our MLCers. Being Me had a point, the better the marriage originally the worse the MLC. I do believe that's because the MLCer has to dig so deep to find excuses to leave yet all they can come up with is pea sized situtions and try to work them up into a mountain.
Everything your H has said to you, I heard too when mine left. We call this the MLC Script. Detatchment is key and the best way to survive during this.....but probably the most difficult for us LBS's especially if you still live in the same house or have alot of contact.
In the links cadet sent to you, the very last one From Withdrawal to Acceptance really is a good one. There are posts in this thread from an MLCer himself that gives you up close and personal insights as to the MLCers thoughts and how they rationalize their situation. I know after I read this over I felt alot better and in a way worse. I felt better because I could see just how irrational their thoughts were and how twisted their thinking becomes. What made me feel worse was that these MLCers are so confused and so overwhelmed with emotion that they really are in pain, but the path they choose to numb or attempt to heal this pain is destroying the strongest thing they have which is their family.
There are posts in this thread from an MLCer himself that gives you up close and personal insights as to the MLCers thoughts and how they rationalize their situation.
