I totally get wanting the affair partner to feel some pain. Like I said, the harsh reality can lead to serious domestic violence. I don't keep count, but in our community (of under 5000) over my short lifetime, there have been combinations of murder and murder / suicide and plenty of other violent acts due to infidelity or jealous spouses.... so yeah... not good... In fact, police are instructed that domestic violence are some of THE most dangerous situations to be called to. Crimes of passion...
I don't know what the worst part is... I know what you mean about being "numb"... my sitch was that I walked in on what I felt was an inappropriate sitch, even if it wasn't a blatant, physical display of infidelity... I did the whole "deer in headlight" thing... then walked out...
It gets better. The pain eventually goes away...
Understand... really, really understand... even if the affair spouse denies or somewhat admits... often, in their mind, they aren't REALLY cheating... because they have rationalised WHY they are having an A. That may or may not be the case for your H. And even with the rationalisation, they may feel some guilt...
But what I'm trying to get at is, don't expect an apology. From EITHER your H or the OW. You MIGHT get one. But often enough they feel justified and don't feel they need to apologise.
As I've gone through my own journey, truth be told, I emotionally left my M 6 years ago. No, I wasn't actually making a choice to leave, nor was I having nor considering an A. But... I made no further effort to keep us connected because I just felt defeated from all the prior effort and then top that with accusations (at least my W felt that way) of my lack of contribution to the family, the upkeep of the house and yard (I was the stay at home parent... I kept up as best I could), and contridictory messages saying I should be contributing financially to the household, then being told I was away from the family too much (because I was out doing jobs)...
So yes, we do contribute. That was my contribution. And I can see how I stopped meeting my W's needs so why she would seek elsewhere.
That's the rational mind speaking. Add that to what is probably a slight MLC on top of that, and woo-hoo...
So again, just start to believe that things will get better. They WILL. And what ever little bit you can do for yourself at this time, do it. And if/as your H may attempt to reconnect with you, bite your tongue and take it slow. This is YOUR boundaries and it will take you time to get through this. DO NOT allow him to pressure you if he chooses to commit to you and the M.
Eventually, if both of you are ready, you may want to go to MC. Specifically to a pro-M counsellor who uses SBT and also has experience working with infidelity.
Keep posting here to vent and ask any questions and we will be here to support you.
