The Space Between...

[purgatory]

Glad everyone is learning new things: me fixing water heaters and learning to find other's threads!

25, I'll go look at my other thread for your post

H just dropped a mini bomb, kinda. He asked me if he could have primary custody of the kids when he gets back from AFG. He said its only fair, I deserve it, he'll want to reconnect with them.... I wanted to cry.

I was surprised. I told him that I couldn't answer right now because that was something I would have to give a lot of thought to. He understood. He continued talking about living arrangements and how he's not trying to take them away forever. He rattled off some ideas that's he's already researched housing and the possibility of me staying in my current house; what to do when he deploys again; and daily schedules. He did say that he hadn't worked all the details out, but these were things he's been thinking about.

[interesting side note: he talked about the apartment he would get and I asked him how he was going to fit the kids and all their/his stuff in there. He responded with: "well, I don't have that much stuff. I mean, all my garage stuff will stay in there and I'll probably have to become more establishe in the guest room- but I could make it work." I didn't say anything about this- but really?!?! This man is saying that we are going to be divorced, living separately AND he's going to keep his stuff here?!?! How does this make sense to him??? Can we say cake eating?? Does this sound like someone who's conflicted??]

I listened to everything, didn't offer much to the conversation and again just told him that I would have to sit with this for a while an see how it makes me feel.

It's talks this these, that I realize I've been getting hopes up. When H talks about the future (a year away!!!) and us living separately... I get sad all over again. It's my own fault for letting myself think that just b/c we are getting along and he hasn't talked about our sitch in a while- doesn't mean it's not still on his mind.

I wish someone could tell me how to have hope when I hear things like this, cause I don't see it!! He is getting a plane in 2.5 months, it still makes my heart stop to think about saying good-bye.

[ces67]

(((Purg)))

Sorry P, that is a rough conversation but I think you were very wise to set it aside and state your need to think about it.

Let it sit in and process the emotions before you start making decisions and actions.

As far as his things, that's his opinion on how it should work and you have every right to state how you thing it should work. Just know what you want and why before the discussion. I would imagine you've got some time to deal with that so don't rush yourself.

[sayitaintso]

It's talks this these, that I realize I've been getting hopes up. When H talks about the future (a year away!!!) and us living separately... I get sad all over again. It's my own fault for letting myself think that just b/c we are getting along and he hasn't talked about our sitch in a while- doesn't mean it's not still on his mind.

I wish someone could tell me how to have hope when I hear things like this, cause I don't see it!! He is getting a plane in 2.5 months, it still makes my heart stop to think about saying good-bye.

I'm feeling the same way Purg. I felt like my W and I were connecting more and getting along which led to me hoping for more and these past few days have been rough. She has pulled back and is hanging out with some new "friends". I am doing my best to just let her go but it is tough.

Try to give it time. For him to be requesting something that is more than a year in advance seems a bit premature. You know how quickly our dynamics seem to change so who knows where you will be in a year. Try to focus on the present.

((Best))

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=purgatory]Glad everyone is learning new things: me fixing water heaters and learning to find other's threads!

25, I'll go look at my other thread for your post

H just dropped a mini bomb, kinda. He asked me if he could have primary custody of the kids when he gets back from AFG. He said its only fair, I deserve it, he'll want to reconnect with them.... I wanted to cry.

STOP ...I can't even finish reading this before saying something.
WHO CARES WHAT IS "FAIR" TO HIM??? He will deserve full custody? Um, what about THEM and what they deserve?

And why are YOU getting punished for taking care of them all this time b/c of HIS career choice, leaving ALL the care to you for a solid year-

only to take it back at a time of his choosing, like it is HIS to give and take?

NEWSFLASH-
The stability & needs of the children determine this,

NOT your h's comfort level or convenience OR sense of entitlement.

He'll be a virtual stranger to them upon return and after he has disaapeared from their lives for a year,

& when he comes back he wants their mother, THEIR primary caregiver to fade to something less b/c of what HE deserves and wants? Wow...sorry Purg but atm all I can say is

Screw that.

[25yearsmlc]

okay I finished...

Don't freak.

He's so foolish to think he can predict what will happen in the next year, let alone how HE will feel, or you

or the kids...

gee maybe YOU will have moved on too, and maybe an OM will be in your life and maybe he'll be a "great stepdad that the boys actually 'know' and gee, let's not put more upheaval in their lives..."

let him fear losing you...

and let space and time clear his head so his old feelings can resurface...

[25yearsmlc]

of course on his return, he will want time w/them but you will have to be thereat least for awhile and he'll have to take it slow.

He doesn't NEED primary custody to have more time &

maybe you can promise him you'll be "flexible"

[Cadet]

A year from now?

How much has changed in the past year?

Validate what he says but make no promises, and none in writing.

Or like 25 says you can promise him you will be more flexible, I like that.

[RoRoinMD]

(((Purg))), I want to plan to do something devious, but that's probably not helpful. LOL

Just validate, but no promises.

[BFloat]

(((( purg ))))

that is so frustrating! H is certainly feeling very entitled isn't he?

I can understand how you feel. In January, when my H announced at our counselling session that he wanted to D, I felt very out of control. Everything seemed to spiral downward very quickly. But when I had a chance to process and figure out where I was going from that point on... I felt very empowered telling H I wanted every second weekend (because I was leaving every weekend).. And there were a few other things I had to state even though I was scared to. But in the end it was.. What am I afraid of? Him leaving? Because he had already left!

I'm so sad that you're hurting because I know what an awesome person you are. I've said it before.. H is a fool!

When we going to Vegas to really GAL and complain about our sitch??? Jack.. Johnny and Jose will be there I'm sure.

[rickb89]

Purg - I just read your post and I'm shocked about your H's thought processes. I would say more of that but 25 stole my thunder. Jesus Purg...think/plan for just the kids and you going forward.