Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12

[25yearsmlc]

Crimson...
ok-
big picture---GOOD...up close, some stuff to deal with.

I think you can let all of these issues wait for now. There is not much you can do about your w's relationship with your mutual friend. Just validate her feelings and let her handle it unless she asks you do to something specific.

agree w/^^^ it can wait...& I would add that your friend was trying to help you by asking that question b/c to the friend, w's leaving to sleep "somewhere" on the floor made no sense unless there was OM. THEN she could wrap her brain around it...b/c like you - your friend had trouble understanding things at first.

She was being loyal TO YOU & trying to help and I'd bet I have asked the SAME thing...

Please don't punish her for her loyalty. I think in time your w willl come around if you validate and perhaps say that your flaws as a h were less apparent to the friend (but real for your w, etc) after all, her dad thought the world of you too, before all the stuff came out. Is it really so odd that YOUR friend would wonder about w's choice to leave, if all she saw in you as a h, were the same things your fil saw before his d told him her version?

and if your w cannot move past that, then leave it alone for now.

But it's not a dealbreaker obviously. IF the friend has to go...do it gently and kindly. I don't think it's fair, but neither is life...

I mean, I wouldn't go out and invite your w and this friend together to dinner anytime soon, but I can't see that there's anything affirmative for you to do in this sitch.

The image of you that your fil has will have to be broached initially by your w if you do R. She is one who told her dad these things and she will have to approach him when the time comes. You can help by doing your part to make your relationship with him as smooth as possible and try to understand where his antagonism is coming from (it sounds like you already do). The only thing I can think of to do right now is to affirm to your w that you would value a good relationship with your fil again someday. That way she doesn't feel that there would be bad feelings on both sides if she decides to R with you.


AFTER your w has undone some of her wording and opened her father up to the idea she might have been seeing you thru some dark glasses, AND that people can change and you are THE example of that for her (and your mc's too) then

I wonder if you could wait a few more weeks or, say, 2 months (monitor for progress and all that of course, for timing)

and broach the topic with him yourself, as you may have done when you wanted to ask for her hand in m...

maybe a "man to man" thing where you own up to shortcomings and discuss the new man you are working to become now, (if HE is a role model for you in any way, tell him-if it's true)

that you are working to have a new better marriage than before AND that in some ways, you thank God she left you, to wake you up, b/c now you "get it".

Give that example of the evening without the cell phones or tv on and how you now see that is what she wanted all along. You Had thought her love language was gift getting, (maybe it's 2nd?)

but it is quality time...the "small things that count" to her. & that you thought "providing for" meant - earning more..(hello? these traits in men are not that rare.)

So Now you are awake. She and son are your priorities and you will never lose sight of that again.

My niece's long time boyfriend, whom I rather liked, kept delaying a proposal for marriage. Said he "liked things how they were," She moved out.

Within 2 weeks he proposed w/a ring & explained that he had to marry her b/c when he imagined life w/o her,

he couldn't sleep or eat or think straight. Hearing all that, moved me a lot. They remain happily m now, 16 years later.

One thing he DID admit later, was he hated the idea of a big crowd at their wedding. He is from a very wealthy family, but he is an introvert. I think some of his fears were not only about commitment in general, but about the wedding itself -as wacky as that sounds. They had a wedding of immediate family only. (At least my side of the family saved a fortune).

So As for the different recall of events -all I can say is that it's so common & it's not always plain old rationalizing.

My H does NOT believe he "would EVER" say he was "willing to take the chance on losing our family, for a JOB" -

but I can tell you where I was and what I was doing when he said it (the guest bathroom, spackling...)

I had specifically asked him if that was what he was doing OR was he bluffing, he said "Guess I'm willing to take THAT chance."

So in his mind he didn't SAY all of it, but it is exactly what I asked...so MUST we agree? No-- and it's impossible to agree on memory anyhow...

Heck, 2 eye witnesses to an accident, who have no emotional stake in the matter, won't often agree.

My H has "forgotten" a lot and in truth it's probably too painful for him to recall. MAYBE you fit in there somewhere...and your w's fears do too. She may have heard what she feared, not what you said, let alone what you meant.

Seems You both do a lot of mind reading...

What really matters is that you two agree on what you want in the future, &from this day forward. Just like the vows say...



As for the house, maybe you could get some information from a real estate agent as to its market value, lease value, etc. and present it to w if she asks about it again. That way, she knows that you took her concerns seriously. I wouldn't jump the gun and put the house on the market right away or anything. But just do some research in the meantime so you can respond to her when she raises the issue again.

All good stuff!

Mimi

Substantively Mimi has touched on the points. "Procedure" may matter more now, ie HOW you problem solve together and resolve conflicts

matters more (to your w at least, and imo to you as well) matters more than the actual choice made. So

Make the decision as a team --

and make sure ALL of HER concerns are addressed.

Then, If she has all the same information as you,

and she reflects on it, and she STILL wants to sell at a loss and cannot wait,

(instead of thinking she is "wrong"--and she might be!!!)

realize it must be very important to her to start fresh in every way.

Not so hard to know what to do then, is it? Also, it is more than a symbolic 180.

Keep up the great work and hold onto your hard won progress.

(((( )))