Divorce....with a side of crazy...

[imthemom]

Hi all, I am moving over here from the Infidelity forum...D papers are filed and the battle has begun...

I have previouse threads but dont know how to attach them so if your curiouse you can check them out by clicking on my previouse post...

I tried so hard to keep this from getting ugly but have not had any sucess at all. If we were going to get to this point I at the very least wanted to be able to co parent and be friendly but I guess that was wishfull thinking...its hard sometimes realizing that a person that was so involved in my life for so long now hates me so much....

would love any input from any of you who have already gone threw this...

[antlers]

The court system that handles divorces is adversarial...very adversarial. It is absolutely awful. I'm sorry that you're headed there. Once you realize, as bad as it is, that it won't kill you...it makes it more tolerable. It's still awful, but it makes it more manageable once you realize that you will survive.
I had so much trouble accepting that someone who once cared so much, could now be doing this! But I had to accept it because it was reality. A lot of it was the adversarial court system too. Bad stuff all the way around. Painful stuff...but real, very real. The hatred she had/has for me was hard to get my head around...but I did.

[SunFunOne]

ITM: It is not the same everywhere.

I chose "Collaberative Divorce" as I felt I had a better chance of coming out with a fairer settlement with mediation and negotiations. Each of us had a lawyer but their job was to help us reach a fair settlement. There were meetings and discussions. That was emotionally difficult for me but it was MUCH cheaper to do it this way and I was pleased to be able to negotiate my own agreement - it was me who would have to live with it.

One of the biggest parts of it all is gathering the info - especially all the financial stuff. But not that much different than preparing your finances for taxes. Best to get as much of it done as soon as you can.

The divorce itself was not a real biggie. It really was just a rubber stamp. I did not even attend as my mother passed away that week.

Antlers - divorce [censored] - we can all agree on that - especially when we are not the party seeking it and especially when there is infidelity involved. But it is not fair to state that the court system is totally adversarial. That may have been your experience but it is not true in all situations. No point in further stressing out someone who is already dreading going there.

Barb

[antlers]

"Once you start the legal ball rolling, it becomes your lawyer's primary responsibility to get you "a fair deal" which translates to "the best possible deal"; the most money, the most time with your children, the least amount of interference from your ex-spouse and so on. They're ethically bound to operate from this premise; it's their job. The problem is, your spouse's attorney is charged with the same responsibility. The end result is that the divorce process becomes extremely adversarial. It's you against your spouse. Divorces are part of our adversary process. By design, the system pits one party against the other. The theory is that the decision-maker (the judge) has the benefit of the most persuasive argument from each side and the attack by cross-examination reveals the weaknesses of each side's position. Though this may be an effective way to make decisions in commercial and criminal cases, it certainly is not appropriate for the troubled family. It pits husband against wife, mother against father and hostility escalates into the ultimate war, the trial." - MWD

It's not my intention to cause any further stress to anyone. We're pretty honest here...and that's all I was being...honest. Again, ITM...I'm sorry you're headed in the direction you say you are.

[SunFunOne]

Antlers: That negativity is NOT helpful here.

The Collaberative divorce process is different. Both lawyers work together to achieve the goal of obtaining an agreement that is acceptable to both parties. That is why it was developed. To make it LESS adversarial. Just because this was YOUR situtaion - it does not make it the ONLY way to get a divorce. You anger and negativity towards the system is quite obvious.

I HATED getting a divorce but my feelings are not directed towards the system. It is what it is and we have to lear to work within in it. If you don't like what your lawyer tells you - get another one. That's what I did.

Let's find HELPFUL suggestions to offer - not scare here off before she has even started.

Barb

[imthemom]

I actually had been reading up on and checking into the "collaberative" process...and we actually were trying to go that rought but he was so difficult from the very beginning that it just fell apart. Our only sticking point is support to me..he has refused to agree to anything that the state mandated and that was after several sit downs with my L and running up my bill and saying everything sounded great and then refusing to sign off on it. And after I made an offer considerably lower then what was called for by the state. He finally went and got his own L without even telling me and it has deteriorated since then. And I have felt like since there are now 2 lawyers it has gotten very advsersarial, something I never saw comeing. Now I feel like this person that I thought cared about me for 19 yrs is basically attacking and beating me down...and then adding a litle kick while Im there....

unfortunetly Ive had to block him from texting. He gets pretty brave when theres no face to face and says mean and nasty things. Hes to much of a coward to say it on the phone so I havent had to do anything there...and if he needs to call about our S15 he can...but doesnt.

Hes so wrapped up in his ow that he doesnt have time for anything else but beating me down. Hes a "recovering" alcoholic and as far as I can tell is in full blown dry drunk mode...part of me is wishing for the crash and burn...the other part is dreading it.

I was hopeing to be done with it by our 6 month waiting period was over (May 7) That is looking like its not going to happen since our first court date isnt until May 2nd. Im still hopeing that he may back off and try to come to some kind of agreement before the court date, My son and I are living hand to mouth int he mean time and its been hard getting by. Dont really have a very high opinion of him right now...and I think that may be permanent...

has anyone been threw such an ugly D and had things improve after it was settled?

[antlers]

"...would love ANY input from any of you who have already gone threw this..." - ITM

My last post came directly from Michele Weiner-Davis' book 'Divorce Remedy'. They are her exact words. I don't think it's negativity on her part to say what she did about this subject in her book...which was written to help people going through this. I don't think it's "not helpful" on her part to say what she did in her book. I don't think she's trying to "scare people off" in the very first chapter of her book.

ITM...I can relate to nearly all of what you said in your post. This place is helpful. I'm sorry you're experiencing what you are. I hope you will be able to glean some help from these boards...to vent, to get advice, to offer advice, to share your feelings, to hear others' feelings, to offer feedback and hear that of others', etc.

[KenF]

my experience:
the person you are dealing with doesnt change. what they are like before and during proceedings, is the same person after. i'm still waiting for the x to become the better person i was hoping a D would change her into. she's not, it didnt, i still get the same grief.

whatever you do, always make sure that you can always be proud of yourself. no regrets. no new guilt.

that goes for getting what you deserve, dont give up anything just to make things go smoother, or go after more than what is right. where i am, there are mathematical formulas to determine division of assets, its when you agree to something outside of these guidelines that things get messy. In the end you have to be proud of yourself, you dont want to have to justify your actions to yourself.

my x hired a "bull-dog" lawyer, but that backfired on her, she also had to pay the extra fees.

listen to your L. my L was excellent, she did not force any issues, called things out exactly how they were, but there were things she said that i shrugged off. I regret shrugging them off.

document everything.

remove as much emotion as possible.

dont feel pity when its not due.

you will get through this, one way or another. it may seem like time doesnt pass anymore, but hack it out now. i've gone past my the anniversary of my D and didnt realize it till days later.

[SunFunOne]

Good advice, Ken.

The key is to take the emotion out of it. Easy to say - NOT easy to do.

You asked if anyone else was in this situation and how it turned out.

My ex was also a "recovering" alcoholic with an OW. We were together 30 years, married 25 - I could not believe he would toss aside the kids and I for a brief fling. But these 2 were co-dependent and she was a predator. My M didn't stand a chance.

I stuck with the negotiations and cried through so much of our mediation. He was cruel and said stupid, mean things that went down on record. He went for ridiculous things (I lost on those) and gave in on more important things (again - STUPID). You will lose some, but you will gain some as well. DO NOT GIVE IN on things you are entitled to unless it is part of the negotiations and your L advises it.You have to live with it. If you are entitled to support - do not give up. If he does not sign in due course he could be held in contempt.

Don't expect change. I think they pull away from the life they knew as they feel they have to. If he doesn't see his son - it is his loss but it is also horrible for your son. Help your son remember the good things about him and assure him that you are there and love him and that you hope his dad will come around in time.

Does time change them? Yes, I think when the heat of it all has died down - they do have some regret and the anger subsides.

My ex began his affair app 11 years ago - just as we were celebrating our 25th. He was gone shortly after following a DUI and me figuring out about the affair. It took 5 years to get our financial agreement/divorce. Then I just avoided him for 5 years and the kids did what they could to have some kind of R with him (limited). Then our disabled son suddenly became critically ill and I was told he would likely not survive. So I called him and he came. Hugged me. Met my new man. My siblings who were there told me they had not seen him in 10 years. It was awkward for all of us but we got through it and since have maintained some kind of respectful communication regarding son.

Do I think he will ever be the person I knew? NO. Do I think he got what he deserved? YES Do I have regrets? Yes - but I do think that I did what I did at the time to protect my family. I regret that this happened to me but I now know that God had greater things for me. And I am enjoying it and the freedom it has given me.

We can't control someone else. I hope for you that you can reach some resolution soon. I would be pushing my lawyer to do better for me if I could not get this resolved.

Sorry that you are here but know that it will become a distant memory soon.

Barb

[imthemom]

19 years of my life will become a distant memory.....that is incredably sad to me. We also have a disabled son, S21 is legally blind and has cerebral palsy due to a head injury at 6 months old. My STBXH raised him from the age of 2 and has not asked about or spoken to him in 8 months. I guess that shouldnt be surprising since he doesnt not keep in close contact with his own son, but it hurts that he not only walked away from my but from my kids that he always spoke of as his own.

My S15 got into some trouble at school this week and since comunication has completely broken down between STBX and myself I have limited contact to emails...I sent him an email to keep him informed and as per the usual did not hear from him regarding any of it. He called S15 last night but did not speak to me about it or mention it to S15. so much for co parenting...

I have tried over and over to keep this civil and be able to have some sort of relationship in order to make it easier on our S15 but everytime STBX says he doesnt want it to be this way between us, and then does what ever he can to keep it this way...it hard enough dealing with a divorce but divorcing an alcoholic recovering or not, is one of the hardest things I have ever been threw...they are irrational and ecotistical at best and down right cruel and self centered at worst. He is not thinking of anyone but himself right now and S15 can see it and keeps saying it and I dont know how to respond ...last night he made a comment that his D doesnt care what he does and I asked him what made him feel that way. He said, hes not involved in my life as a D at all....I said your D loves you very much and he just looked at me with this look of such disgust.....and when he talks to his D or sees him he is so excited and happy it just breaks my heart. He just wants his D back, and will settle for what ever he throws him. I dont understand that as a mom, and I know we are different with our emotions but good gawd, its his flesh and blood...how do you go days or weeks without even knowing what is going on with him? especially when he knows he is having a hard time??

Part of me thinks I should once again try to reach out to him and try to make it civil ...but I know i will just get lip service from him and nothing will change. I always have to fix things, its part of my problem. I cant fix him and if this is the way he chooses to parent I guess I have to let that be....I just wish there was somthing I could do to make it easier on S15...