Keeping the Kids Out of It

[adinva]

I've been dbing for about nine months. What keeps me going is that I look at what alternatives there are and think this is the best. I am...
- improving myself
- addressing my shortcomings
- conceding to what is outside my control
- giving my H the space he wants and needs

I could be...
- arguing and fighting pointlessly
- giving up without trying
- acting like a victim

I started posting here full of pain and outrage. My outrage spread beyond what H did that was really wrong to include all kinds of things he did that were more like differences in parenting styles. To me the OW thing is a negotiable - it would be nice to be able to dictate that he can't be around any OW while your daughter's with him. Wouldn't it be better to ask him if he's willing to set some guidelines you'll both agree to and follow? If the guideline is "not till you're serious" well, maybe he is serious with that other person already, at least in his own mind. Maybe he thought that was entirely appropriate. People H knows, but who are strangers to you, will be a part of his life, and therefore your daughter's, in the future. It's a fact.

If there's a legitimate reason she's not safe with him then you'll need to work with a lawyer and the court system to fight for custody and require supervised visitation. You need to know what's legally OK and what's not.

Now, the secret-keeping thing is a real problem for her safety and wellbeing, and the damage is evident in your daughter's new anxious behavior. You say he's not talking to you, and that's not acceptable - you have some control over this because you control his access to his daughter. If he's going to take her from you he needs to talk to you first about where she'll be going and who she'll be with, and you need to share with him your concern about asking her to keep secrets. If he won't talk reasonably with you about it ask if he'd be willing to meet together with a neutral third party like a therapist you mutually agree on.

Good luck, will be thinking of you.