Outside the Scope of This Report Part 3

[WenikiTiki]

Hey BeingMe!

It seems he doesn't view what he is doing as peeing on my rug. Last night he told me he had a dilema. He decided he wanted to go to the St Pats party because it was folks from his office. And wants me to stay home. He said he would tell them I was busy. I told him to wrap his mouth around the words and tell people he is divorcing me.

I also told him to sit in the other room to watch tv and to quit expecting me to make his meals. He said that since I was living off his money I should contribute and do those things. I think he is a dumb-a$$.

OW is back to Arkansas for the time being. She comes back mid-June for her final divorce hearing. I think H wants our stuff to be all settled by then so he can move on to his bright new future with her.

Everything I say or do makes me the bad guy. And I see OW's hand in everything he says or does. Seriously. (His hard-earned money) I am actually looking forward toi when we go to court. I can't wait ti see the look on my H's face when he gets told bhow much alimony he gets to pay and for how long.

I keep trying to fix/repair. There is nothing left to fix/repair. He is gone, baby gone. And I think he will have to marry OW and hit rock bottom with her before he sees what he left behind.

And she will chew him up and spit him out. Just like her 1st H and her STBXH. And this is not my problem. He is in a big rush to divorce me because poor, poor OW doesn't have health insurance. And all she has to do is find some dope who is retired military to marry her and BINGO she has insurance.

I am willing to bet that he marries her within days of our D being final. And that will be the proof of what she wants. It hurts me terribly that he is under the spell of such a mean person.

And that he paints me as the bad guy. He said after what I said in the car the other day he would never go anywhere with me again. What I said was to the radio, which was playing that dumb song "Can't Find a Better Man". I said: "Bet I Can". He had said before that song was like me, I stayed because I couldn't find something better. I have stayed because I love him. Used to, am feeling the love go away.

[Seminolewind]

Wendy,

Don’t worry if your H is going to marry the OW. None of us know what is going to happen and all we can do is keep on moving forward. I agree that the rose colored glasses are starting to clear up for you. You are going to see things in a whole new light and that’s a good thing.

I haven’t been on the boards for a few days and wanted to say something about the LBS’s starting in our own MLC. I really think that can happen, only the people that actually do the work on themselves see it before it becomes a problem. I thought I was heading down that road for a while and I thought everything out and looked deep. I think we all have to look at the big picture and determine what it is we exactly want in life. I think it could be easy to fall into that trap and I hope when folks really look deep they recognize the problem before it starts.

I am a true believer in going dark and removing myself from the drama. None of us deserve to be treated poorly in life. Going dark lets you rid yourself of all the negativity and lets you focus on what’s really important, yourself. Don’t ever worry about being the mean person, ask yourself if any of this was your idea?

You are doing great on your journey, keep on keeping on and you will see so much more.

[job]

Wendy,
Your might want to remind your h the next time he mentions his hard earned money that you are working as well. That what you get from him is paying you for what you are doing around the home, etc. Besides, you aren't getting paid top dollar to take care of the home, him, the grocery shopping as well as fixing/repairing other things. If he had to pay you a full time salary, he wouldn't be able to afford you.

[WenikiTiki]

The hard earned money comments are all out of OW's mouth. He never said anything like that until he formed the brain trust with her.

And the other day when we were in the car and he made the bold statement that he would never go anywhere in a car with me again was just so 8th grade. I'm just tired of his crap.

I'm not going to argue with him about anything. I'm going to quit talking to him, quit looking at him and quit worrying about him. He is on his own. I will fill the freezer with easy to cook meals. I will just be busy. He can take care of himself.

I told him plainly last night to go watch TV in the other room and to not ask to sit in the room with me from now on. He said he hadn't been asking. I told him I was going to start recording all conversations with him, brecause I'm tired of him forgetting every darn thing he says!

I've been on a roll, using up all my gift certificates, rewards coupons, making sure I have all my needs filled in case I end up with no money for awhile. I won't run out of vitamins!

Sounds silly, but it is how I feel. Like I'm building a Hurricane closet for my marriage!

[~ kd ~]

He is on his own. I will fill the freezer with easy to cook meals. I will just be busy. He can take care of himself.

You are doing this for yourself, right...?

That you can quickly make yourself something to eat because you're living such a busy, active lifestyle and aren't able to be home long enough to cook yourself meals at the moment...

and the fact that he can just reach into the freezer and warm up one of these meals for himself... that's just and artefact, right...? And not that you are intentionally making meals FOR HIM...

[~ kd ~]

'cause really...



you need to stop focusing on his stuff... yeah... it's automatic for you... yeah... you feel a bit guilty... but really, dear... ????

He's made his choices...

If he wants to throw the money argument at you... then remind him that he is welcome to go to the courts with D papers to prevent you from improperly taking advantage of him...

[WenikiTiki]

Thanks Kafffe!

I had paperwork to take to harbormaster, so I went to my boat and had a can of soup and some tea for lunch. And I sat a read for a bit. (Had to get my moneys worth out of the money I fed the meter.) Very oddly I noticed I felt better on the boat. I pulled out my planner and made some calls, set up some appointments, read part of my current R book.

I came home to panic mode just from driving into the carport, H not due home from work for hours. And every rumbling truck that passes sets me off. I feel like I have PTSD!

I made dinner for us tonight. And that bothered me. I want to back down, but have no plan to eat with him or sit and watch TV with him. I only made dinner because I plan to eat.

He has gone dark, he doesn't tell me when he is coming home, I just cook dinner and pretty much seem to know when he is coming home. Kind of like we've been married 31 years.

I will remember the money argument. He has made his choices and needs to live with them. AND I do need to quit focusing on him......

[~ kd ~]

I think it really is coming across that your H wants to cake eat...

There's cake eating... when we feel we let them do it... who can blame them for taking the good when it is offered to them...

and there's cake eating... when they tell us we are obligated... that completely falls in line with disrespectful. This isn't about borrowing $10 or $10,000 from a friend...

We're talking about something that might fall in the same category as a friend giving you $10 and not expecting it back... or the equivalent of maybe a birthday gift... in the sense that we don't give only to take away because we aren't getting what we want...

I'm a little off centre right now because like you, I'm sitting in a place where I'm remembering how disrespectful my W had been to me over the past few years. While it's not a blatant disrespect, it's similar to how your H is treating you. It's OK for him to have his secret, private life and carry on his life independent of you, but when it comes to things he wants, you OWE it to him... yeah... right...

My W uses the phrase, "You only do things when it's convenient for you."

What a crock... I've done things when it was VERY INCONVENIENT for me... I've lost customers because I've done things that were convenient to her... back when it didn't matter, because her earnings could manage the household and most of our lifestyle, it was acceptable... but that loss has translated to a sitch where now it's difficult to regain that customer trust and that affects me in a very real way, now... never mind how I've allowed it to affect my trust and confidence in myself...

No... that type of language is the language of someone who has a deep fear and that fear is covered up by the need to control.

Your H, like my W, needs to understand that the only thing they have a right to control... the only people they have a right to control... is themselves...

[BeingMe]

Wendy, you put in 31 years of marriage. How many meals have you cooked, and floors swept, etc. And, how long did he spend in the military, where you had to keep the home fires burning, so he had a comfy home/family to come back to. His "hard earned" money! I hardly think so. I know what it's like to have a H away for months at a time, the loneliness. My D31 is a USAF wife, and she has put in more time as a father and a mother to her kids, than I think her H has put in as just a father/husband. But she wouldn't have it any other way. But, if he ever did what your H is doing, I think I will go over to whatever base they're at, and give him a long list of things that his "hard earned" money paid for. Although, I think my D31 is assertive enough to do that herself. I don't know what your H used to be like in the past, but at this time he is a selfish fool, and very misdirected.

Here's some homework for you, if you're up to it. I want you to write down all the things you have done for him and the kids since you got married. You know, the repetitive things like folding socks, making sure particular things are in the house because you know it's his favorite "whatever", planning birthday parties. IOW, making memories. And, include any job you had. Then, write down the vows you made, and he made. I bet you will see that you have more than kept to your vows, far more than him. I bet you're the kind that babies him when he's sick, but when you're ill, he's hardly to be found (my H is like that). You have more than earned any money he has made up to now, and into the future. After 31 years, there's no "my" or "yours", it's "ours".

When last did he make a meal for you? Has he ever done a full load of laundry? Is he that kind of guy, that fixes cars, appliances, etc.? Does he vacuum the floors, or mop?

Sorry, I hate it when men say these sorts of things, especially when they're in a long term M.

[WenikiTiki]

Hey Kaffe!

The trust and confidence in ourselves is the part that really does hurt. I don't see myself as "Me" anymore. I am struggling to get "Me" back. And all the happy horse crap my H is raining down on me has a lot to do with his own insecurities.

Back when we were in ROTC in college together I was the stronger one. I feel like I drug him up to a higher standard. When he got his stride he did great. But the first 10 years of his career I was pushing him hard.

I hope you can get your customers to a place that is good for you. I think that, like with DBing, if they see positive changes consistently they will respond.

So tonight was just a comedy of power struggles. H came in from work right as I was finished cooking. My oldest son had also dropped by unannounced.

H makes a big deal out of cleaning up dog vomit from the area in front of master bedroom door. I no longer sleep there, don't go to that area, didn't see it. I say nothing.

Then H makes a big deal out of cleaning the mold that is growing on the furniture in the room where I told him to go watch TV by himself since we are separated. It has rained for the past month and Hawaii houses are poorly ventilated. Again, I say nothing. I was thinking that I should have left a fan running, that is what we do in most of the house. Gotta love Hawaii!

So H and son grab bowls and dig in. H sits at table with son. (H always sits in his chair to eat and watch TV) I say I will eat later.

After they ate son heads to other sons room, which has a separate entrance. H goes down to the formal living room and I hear grumbling and walk over to look in. He is all mad because the volume won't work on the remote.

I say sorry, it worked the other day. I go away and later notice he has figured it out. (He is a helicopter pilot, for pity sakes!)

At the end of the night he comes through to walk the dogs, and is holding his back as he walks by. I say nothing, knowing he wants to complain about the chairs hurting his back. They do, but there is a perfectly good couch in thhat room.

He wants to tell me about the program he watched. I answer his conversation, but don't prolong it. Whe he comes back in again I say nothing. He askes me some mundane question and I answered in one word. He does then say his back hurts. I say I'm sorry your back hurts. He says goodnight, I say goodnight.

So I count 6 interactions where I was able to keep my distance.

And I had a nice evening, I left the TV run, but actually wasn't watching it, just background noise to my puttering.

Thanks for the support!

Wendy