WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

This is the crux of my quandry/confusion/angst/dilemma...

I view it as not only what is best for me and for my son, but also what is best for my SD and SS. BUT, I have no avenue to them other than through my W. Her XH certainly isn't going to play ball with me to give me access to them.

So I can cut her off completely except for logistical communication regarding our S. But then if I want access to SS and SD I have to make contact again. And now the only purpose for my contact with her is that. In essence I have become her... I only contact when I want something for myself.

Now... granted that's a bit of hyperbole I will admit. She contacts me when she wants something like an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on. Or when she wants someone to watch the kids while she goes out. I would be contacting her when I want to spend time with two kids who aren't technically mine because I love them, miss them, and want to still play a role in their lives. So yes... the motivations are different.

And yes... I've contemplated just giving up on having any access to SS and SD except the random stuff that may come about. It would make this so much easier. It would make it much cleaner and far less heartbreaking for me. It would get the heartbreak of losing them over all at once, instead of this weekly heartbreak I go through each time I see them and then have to say, "guess I'll see you next Tuesday" (when it's Tuesday that I'm talking to them).

But I can't bring myself to do it... I love those two kids too much. So I feel trapped that if I don't play ball to some degree I lose access to them. Though in her defense my W has never threatened that.