Thanks. That's exactly how I feel. I don't feel like I deserve to spend time taking care of myself. I'm better than I was (I was at the point where I stopped taking medication for a heart condition because I didn't feel I was worth it), but I find it fairly easy to backslide.
I know I need to work on myself. I called my old IC to make an appointment. She has retired, but has a replacement looking after her files. My MC also offered to refer me to someone. She told me I had to see someone as this was a lot to deal with at once. I'm just really frustrated because just when I feel things were starting to look up in other areas of my life, my M starts to fall apart, something I never thought would happen.
I need to GAL for me, not for my M.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
We had another argument last night. I'm trying to detatch, but he was moping around yesterday and complaining about how "depressed" he was. It just made me angry. I told him that he was so depressed because he lost his little girlfriend, not that he hurt both me and the m. I told him that I can't feel pity for him (although I do, sometimes) and that I was too angry. He said that if I was so angry, what was the point of MC? I told him if he didn't want to go, fine, he knew where the door was. But I was at least TRYING to work on it. He told me I wasn't really working on it, that I hadn't done the homework. I told him that I did, that I had it written down in my purse if he wanted to read it. He said that I don't understand how much pain he was in. I told him I wasn't going to turn this into a competition as to how miserable each of us was.
He went out for a walk and I went to bed with my tablet and read a book. I also downloaded that ebook that was recommended in the previous post, but I couldn't really get into it, I was too angry. He came home later that night, apologized for what happened. I told him that he needed to take ownership for his depression and anxiety and take responsibility for getting therapy and going to the doctor. I told him that I CANNOT be his therapist, especially not now. He agreed.
We both feel a little better, but I'm trying to get back to DB'ing. We're meeting for lunch today. MC suggested we go out on a date and not talk about our problems. I plan on having a nice, light lunch. We'll see how well that turns out...
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
You are angry, you have a right to be, and you are lashing out at your H as the cause of your pain.
He stated a very understandable argument. If you really are so mad, then what is the point?
Was the affair a deal breaker for you? If not... if you choose to look past that... then you must honour that choice and look past that...
If you brow beat your H, then you will have a brow beaten H... Do you really want someone who cowers when you talk to them or when there's the slightest conflict? It's time to stop hitting the puppy with the newspaper.
That being said, you do have a right to be angry. I appologize because I've only skimmed your posts and do not know if this was already discussed with you.
People do what they do in order to fill a need. Your H betrayed you so you lost the love, you lost the stability you thought you had, you lost dreams... so now you're angry... and... you're trying to beat those things back into him... sadly, you will either end up with a broken H or you will end up pushing him away.
Direct your anger elsewhere.
In the mean time... have you discovered what needs your H may have been getting from the affair, that he didn't feel he could get from you?
What role might you have played?
How are you planning to become a woman that only a fool would leave? Yes, I'm assuming your H was a fool already... but why would he stay? How are you working to better yourself so that even if the M didn't work out, you would have even more greatness to share with a new partner... that you would be more satisfied in your life, even if you were alone?
I feel angry, but I've been working very hard to not express it at H. Usually it only happens in our MC sessions, but I have come a long way in controlling it. Last night, I just lost it because I feel like "You're the one who betrayed me, and yet I'm supposed to help FIX your issues?".
I know what he was getting from OW. He was getting someone who would write with him, be creative with and also excite him. They didn't have sex, but they were intimate in other ways. I have issues with that. Issues that I thought were getting better. I work hard every day to be physically affectionate with H, to push my own boundaries. I do have PTSD from the abuse I suffered, but I try not to punish H for this and do as much as I can. But, honestly? I do quite a lot for this marriage. I am the only one working, the stable one who will always support him, emotionally and financially. I feel angry because I'm doing a lot of work while he's off on lunch dates with OW.
But I need to let that go. The main thing is that he's here with me now.
We've decided that he's going to get a referral for an IC at MC tomorrow. He will also go to our PCP to discuss his depression. I just can't take it on right now.
For GAL, I'm taking a class in jewellery making. I'm also going to the gym, going out at nights to movies, inviting friends over for dinner. That type of thing. Basically being more social. H is invited to go along, but if he doesn't want to, I'll go myself.
Think I'm off moderation already. My posts aren't delayed.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
How exactly to do mean that he was "creative" with OW?
How do you feel she "excited" him?
Good on working on your stuff.
What do you do "for the marriage"?
If you were not married, would you still be the stable one? Still working? If so, then you are doing that for you, not for the M and not for him. He just happens to be the benefactor because your (and his) stability are not dependent on him.
That does not make him not working, wrong. No matter how much you might want him to contribute. If he was not with you, he would have to find another way to get a roof over his head and food in his belly. And that may or may not require him to find someone else or get "a real job" himself. He may not have a huge drive for money. Not everyone does. Did you marry him that way?
In societies genderless workforce, what do you resent that he is not working?
He's a poet and she was a writing partner. I don't write creatively. I mean, I do appreciate it and read a lot, but I am not a writer.
She was someone new to talk to. She was someone different. She wrote herself. She has 3 kids and he played with them. She was refreshing. I'm the boring, nagging wife who takes care of the house, pays the bills and handles everything. I feel like I became his mother.
With regard to my working, I would definitely not be working in the job I have now. It pays very well and we need the money. I'd be doing something far less stressful. I feel like I'm working really hard, but we're still living in his parent's apartment. It's like, why am I working so hard with nothing to show for it?
I don't need a lot of money from him. I don't expect him to take care of me. My mother was the bread winner growing up (I currently make more now than my father did last year before he retired), but I need some help. I can't support the two of us, pay off his student loans and debt on just my salary. Minimum wage would be fine. I don't care what he does. He wasn't working when we married, but he was finishing school and he promised he'd have a job soon. It just seems like there's always an excuse with him.
I hope with his IC he learns how to cope with his depression and anxiety. Right now, they are ruining his life. I believe that this is why he won't get a job. I feel like he's too afraid. He desperately wants to feel better. That's what's he's hoping he'll get out of this.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Your H was going to school and promised he would get a job once school was over. He broke that promise. Or said a different way, he changed his mind.
Did you take on his debt because of a promise, or did you take on the debt because spouses claim to agree to that when they M? It's generally in the vows...
You indicate that you get paid well for what you do, but you would rather be paid less to have less stress. Is that correct? So you would not have taken this job if it weren't for the debt?
What is wrong with the work? Why is it stressful? If the work would be less stressful, would you keep it? Or is it really just about the money and the fact that your H is not contributing? If it would be YOUR debt... debt that YOU accumulated and had to pay back, would you be mad at yourself for having to work a stressful job?
No judgements here, just putting stuff out there because sometimes people don't see the forest for the trees.
Sometimes... and yes, I read that you are living in your H's, parent's apartment. Do you see that as him not contributing? I'm guessing you pay less to live there.
The argument can be made that he is not contributing. But if that were the case, then why would the law state that inheritance is joint? He is contributing if you will, by way of inheritance, because at this time he has little other way to do so. If it weren't for his "contribution", you two would possibly be struggling even more, financially.
There are many ways to restructure debt load. One way is to make more money. One way is to live more frugally. Another way is to restructure debt repayment. If you are simply cash poor, then restructuring may be an option. Yes, we've all heard that we should pay our debt as quick as possible so we don't pay all that interest. The reality is, if it's killing you (or your M) and you can't afford food on the table, then it just may not be worth it.
So... I think there's more to it than being upset that he doesn't have a job. I do think that you resent your BF. And then... you feel sorry for him and emotionally beat yourself up over resenting him...
How does that serve you?
While you are working through this, it might be worth making a list of deal breakers. What would absolutely have to happen or what can absolutely NOT happen, or you would choose to walk?
Oops, sorry... I can't believe I called him your BF...
And just to add one more thing regarding work...
Why would you think a lesser paying job might be less stressful? And alternatively, why can't you find a different job that pays the same but gives you less stress?
Again... how does having the job you have serve your needs? Because I'd submit it serves you in more ways than just the money...
