DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5)

[mimivac]

Why can't I just take the pain and accept she's where she is for her own reasons? It's often because it's about what I want in my life and disappointed about what isn't there. Understandable but selfish in and of itself.

I wouldn't want to be in her shoes in a million years. Knowing that, how bad of a villian can she really be? She's just some little girl who is getting her a$$ kicked by her history.

I can let her go, and can still support her. I need to be aware of when it's my needs getting in the way. And no one is saying I can't move on and satisfy them. I'm not a prisoner.

Nice post, Rick. Your sitch and the replies have definitely helped me on my journey. I think that what you write is the exact reason that we are told to have no expectations and to GAL in DB. It is hard to accept where your WAS is emotionally if you have expectations that they must fulfill your needs in the M. They can't. That's why they became a WAS. So, as conterintuitive as it seems, you have to stop expecting that he/she will behave as you would, or that he/she will take your M or your feelings into consideration at this point. That won't happen.

But, of course, we still have our needs. So, we must GAL. We must try to fill the void with life-affirming activities/people/experiences so that our needs do not get in the way of WAS's healing and, more importantly, so that we see life outside of our sitch and know that it is out there for us no matter what happens. I really do believe this is healthiest for all involved. Now putting this all into practice, that's what takes time and wisdom and growth.

Mimi