Had a lifetime's worth of input from everyone yesterday. So many people with loving, supportive and caring thoughts and advice.
I have been fortunate enough to have you all as friends. There have been some veterans (Mach, Busto, 25, True Grit, WHG) who have already been down the path that I'm on and I was fortunte enough to get their input. Gentle when needed, supportive when needed, and 2" * 4"'s when needed.
I keep posting this stuff about me because I know there are a number of you behind me on the same road, and I hope you guys can learn from the trials I have already lived.
The latest layer of the onion I'm peeling is about anger. You will get hurt in a WAS sitch more than most pain that anyone can know. You will see things happen that will bring out more anger in you than you ever thought possible. You will see your precious little kids suffer and want to tear the world in half out of anger.
I finding out it is very necessary to find the sources of this anger (NHMom you there?) and recognize them for what they are. It's the hardest thing to do because if you're like me you get all caught up in how "right" you are, how you know what divine principles are and your S is not living them, how they are hurting the kids and should be judged and executed for this.
Be very careful about knowing the source of your anger. I'm not preaching here because I'm doing this today - asking myself this. It is NOT EASY.
How much of your hurt is truly all about your own feelings, your own gratification? I'm not saying this doesn't sukk totally. I'm saying that if you look at it, it's often because we are not getting what we want or expect.
I have judged my W as a failure to herself, to me and kids because her actions were not in accord with where I am now. Then when I can step out of my own needs for a minute I can see her for just her. And i see a horribly tortured woman, who knows enough to know she's in the midst of some tangled life in the balance sitch, but in enough of a psyche crisis to not know what and when some demon is controlling her. And she's doing this live surrounded by the people she knows she's hurting, all the while surfacing above water every now and then to get air but then drops back under.
When I take myself and my feelins out of the equation and look at it from above. In fact, I saw a photo of the earth from the furthest satellite we have in outer space and saw this teeny little haze spec of dust, and I thought all of us are from that little spec, our entire history of life, every feeling everyone has ever had, every joy and pain, it helped me look at my W.
Why can't I just take the pain and accept she's where she is for her own reasons? It's often because it's about what I want in my life and disappointed about what isn't there. Understandable but selfish in and of itself.
I wouldn't want to be in her shoes in a million years. Knowing that, how bad of a villian can she really be? She's just some little girl who is getting her a$$ kicked by her history.
I can let her go, and can still support her. I need to be aware of when it's my needs getting in the way. And no one is saying I can't move on and satisfy them. I'm not a prisoner.
