I have to say that I haven’t felt like doing any of the things my DB Coach wants me to do. Is it because I don’t think it will work, or have I given up in my head, and my heart hasn’t caught up yet? I really don’t know. I guess I won’t know what will happen if I don’t try though. *shrug*
Had a chance to do a 180 last night.
H found out last night that one of his high school classmates passed away. I don’t handle these kinds of things well, but told myself that I could use this as an opportunity to show my changes. (Sounds bad, and selfish, but it really wasn’t) I came through the room and saw he was upset. I asked him what was wrong and he told me. I said I was sorry to hear that and asked a few more questions to get more information. He left the room to get something to eat, and as he came back down the hallway, I met him halfway and gave him a good hug and told him I was sorry about what had happened. He said thank you and he appreciated it.
Then he started cooking. He bought all of this breakfast meat during his weekend shopping spree, and didn’t want it to go bad. There isn’t enough room in our kitchen for both of us, so I just sat on the couch watching TV, and chatted with him whenever he would ask me something or want to talk. I ended up falling asleep. He came and woke me up and said let’s go to bed. (I will point out that he has been calling me by my first name, which he didn’t used to do that often. Every time I hear it, it stings a little, but I know why he can’t call me babe or whatever now. In fact, I didn’t notice until after the bomb that he had stopped calling me babe, so no need to get upset about it now. I moved on.)
I went to bed, but he didn’t. I got up to check on him and he said he was listening to music trying to get in the mood to go to sleep. I said okay, just wanted to make sure he was alright. About an hour later, he was still up. I got up again to check on him. He was still listening to music. Said he needed a distraction, and that’s why he ended up cooking that meat. I said I knew that, and was just checking in now. Said he was coming to bed, which he did a few minutes later. At this point, it was probably after 1:30 am. We did snuggle while sleeping.
I did think for a second that he was texting OW about what was going on, needed her comfort, but I quickly got over that. Comfort over the phone is no match for comfort in person, so I just continued what I was doing.
He seemed quiet this morning, so I just left him to get dressed and all that. I did ask if he was okay this morning. He said he was alright. Checked to make he had his lunch and snacks before he left. (He likes it when I fix his lunch and stuff, so I may need to add that to my list of things to start doing again. I meant to do it last night, but was so exhausted.) He came to kiss me goodbye, and kind of just stood there like he was waiting on something. I said I love you and gave him a hug. He said I love you back and left. A few seconds later I hear a knock on the door. I figure he’s forgotten something and sure enough, his earbuds are laying on the couch. I open the door and handed them to him. He laughed and said Thank you.
I sent him a message saying I know today is going to be kind of a hard day. Said I was here if he wanted to talk and to try and get out and enjoy the nice weather we're having. And that I love him.
He responded thank you and that he truly appreciated that, and he loved me.
Maybe my impatience with my sitch is showing through. Things haven't been bad at home or anything, but I don't see him saying let's R any time soon. I know, consistent changes over time. And the time I've been at this in no way matches the time others have spent DBing. I would just like to see SOME movement either way I guess.
I'm going to continue focusing on getting well, and losing more weight. That's the most important thing right now. Being healthy and happy.
