I have to say that I haven’t felt like doing any of the things my DB Coach wants me to do. Is it because I don’t think it will work, or have I given up in my head, and my heart hasn’t caught up yet? I really don’t know. I guess I won’t know what will happen if I don’t try though. *shrug*
Had a chance to do a 180 last night.
H found out last night that one of his high school classmates passed away. I don’t handle these kinds of things well, but told myself that I could use this as an opportunity to show my changes. (Sounds bad, and selfish, but it really wasn’t) I came through the room and saw he was upset. I asked him what was wrong and he told me. I said I was sorry to hear that and asked a few more questions to get more information. He left the room to get something to eat, and as he came back down the hallway, I met him halfway and gave him a good hug and told him I was sorry about what had happened. He said thank you and he appreciated it.
Then he started cooking. He bought all of this breakfast meat during his weekend shopping spree, and didn’t want it to go bad. There isn’t enough room in our kitchen for both of us, so I just sat on the couch watching TV, and chatted with him whenever he would ask me something or want to talk. I ended up falling asleep. He came and woke me up and said let’s go to bed. (I will point out that he has been calling me by my first name, which he didn’t used to do that often. Every time I hear it, it stings a little, but I know why he can’t call me babe or whatever now. In fact, I didn’t notice until after the bomb that he had stopped calling me babe, so no need to get upset about it now. I moved on.)
I went to bed, but he didn’t. I got up to check on him and he said he was listening to music trying to get in the mood to go to sleep. I said okay, just wanted to make sure he was alright. About an hour later, he was still up. I got up again to check on him. He was still listening to music. Said he needed a distraction, and that’s why he ended up cooking that meat. I said I knew that, and was just checking in now. Said he was coming to bed, which he did a few minutes later. At this point, it was probably after 1:30 am. We did snuggle while sleeping.
I did think for a second that he was texting OW about what was going on, needed her comfort, but I quickly got over that. Comfort over the phone is no match for comfort in person, so I just continued what I was doing.
He seemed quiet this morning, so I just left him to get dressed and all that. I did ask if he was okay this morning. He said he was alright. Checked to make he had his lunch and snacks before he left. (He likes it when I fix his lunch and stuff, so I may need to add that to my list of things to start doing again. I meant to do it last night, but was so exhausted.) He came to kiss me goodbye, and kind of just stood there like he was waiting on something. I said I love you and gave him a hug. He said I love you back and left. A few seconds later I hear a knock on the door. I figure he’s forgotten something and sure enough, his earbuds are laying on the couch. I open the door and handed them to him. He laughed and said Thank you.
I sent him a message saying I know today is going to be kind of a hard day. Said I was here if he wanted to talk and to try and get out and enjoy the nice weather we're having. And that I love him.
He responded thank you and that he truly appreciated that, and he loved me.
Maybe my impatience with my sitch is showing through. Things haven't been bad at home or anything, but I don't see him saying let's R any time soon. I know, consistent changes over time. And the time I've been at this in no way matches the time others have spent DBing. I would just like to see SOME movement either way I guess.
I'm going to continue focusing on getting well, and losing more weight. That's the most important thing right now. Being healthy and happy.
So tonite while eating dinner it struck me that when I eat with her I feel pissy so I must look it.
This made me think about myself. My H has complained about my facial expressions. (They betray my true thoughts alot! LOL) He's also complained about my tone when talking to him. So I wonder if while "I" think I'm doing better with both, my H is getting a different vibe. Example: If my tone is neutral, but my face looks pissy or mad, maybe he PERCEIVES my tone as pissy or mad because of the look on my face?
I am trying to appear happy at all times as well. This morning was the first time in weeks that I let my guard down. She asked me if anything was wrong and I said nothing.
Ro, I think your patience will pay off in the end. I hate being patient, too, but whenever I have an urge to "hurry things along," I tell myself, "think of the long game." You will likely know when you are ready to resolve things on your own, one way or another, if there is no movement on h's end. But it doesn't sound like you or the sitch are at that point, yet. In the meantime, get as busy with your GAL as possible and try not to dwell on your h's every word and action.
Which actions from your DB coach are you hesitant to do?
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Which actions from your DB coach are you hesitant to do?
Mimi, it's not that I'm hesitant. It's that I. JUST. DON'T. WANT. TO. DO. IT. I'm not really your "try this out and see if it works" kind of person. Which is what DB is all about. I'm more of your "I can control this situation if I do this" or "if I don't do this, then it won't be my fault if it doesn't work, and I can blame so and so for it". Just being honest. Maybe by not doing it, I'm STILL trying to control the situation, and my H. HMMM
I know if I don't at least try it, I will never know if it would have worked or not. It's just getting myself there mentally that's the problem.
So are you afraid that if you take these actions and they don't work than you will somehow have failed? Or that you will find out something that you don't like? For instance if h doesn't respond positively to your DB attemps than you might conclude that he isn't interested in R? Maybe you are not ready to do these things and need to be in a wait and see pattern for a little longer?
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
So are you afraid that if you take these actions and they don't work than you will somehow have failed? Or that you will find out something that you don't like? For instance if h doesn't respond positively to your DB attemps than you might conclude that he isn't interested in R? Maybe you are not ready to do these things and need to be in a wait and see pattern for a little longer?
Mimi
I just don't know anymore. I'm really trying to NOT look for a reaction from him. Doesn't work every time, and if I do get an unfavorable one, it'll sting, but most of the time I can move on rather quickly.
Sometimes I feel like HE should be the one doing all this. Granted we both are responsible for the breakdown in our M. But I'm not the one who stepped out. "I" was trying to fix it the best way I knew how. So there's definitely some anger there, and feeling like I shouldn't have to do anything. (Wrong way of thinking, I know)
I've been in a holding pattern for a couple of months with no real movement, so I do need to do something. Honestly, he doesn't really respond negatively to me a lot. Which is confusing. I always think that means he's plotting his escape. LOL
Since he's feeling down about his classmate, I thought about treating him to dinner (probably takeout as I doubt he'll agree to go anywhere together). I THOUGHT about doing a picnic, but that might be too much for right now.
I did think for a second that he was texting OW about what was going on, needed her comfort, but I quickly got over that. Comfort over the phone is no match for comfort in person, so I just continued what I was doing.
