I hear ya, Rick about feeling beat right now. It sure can be draining and feeling even defeated sometimes, especially when you are at the turning point you are.
As part of moving on, really try to focus on what 25, true gritter, myself and others have said. It's not just about getting busy with yourself and embracing your own life, but really ACCEPTING your W's point of view.
In the below exchange with your W, you are still very antagonistic to her point of view.
Originally Posted By: rickb89
Last night I clearly expressed my beliefs in.....love as a choice, that M's ebb and flow, that love is built...not dropped out of the sky.....
Her opinion was quite the opposite...that if a R goes bad it's like an abscessed tooth that you rip out to save the rest of you, that you don't beat a dead horse, that she's been unhappy for a long time.
I explained that I've been unhappy too for a long time. To me that meant we needed to find new tools to enhance our M, and that I'm not intimidated by the fact that there has been unhappiness. In the grand timeline of things, these moments were bound to happen along the line.
I said if we take just the first baby step in the direction of our M we can possible save all of this and that real M's are built softly, step by step, with a quiet gentle tenderness, and that the euphoria in all R's passes and should be replaced by these steps.
In telling her that you do not agree with her model of M/R/love (boldfaced above), you are still telling her that her feelings are wrong and invalid. That you do not accept her views on R/M/love or, more importantly, her feelings. You are NOT on her side.
Instead, you turned it around and made it about yourself and your feelings. Yes, you and your feelings ARE extremely important. But, the WAS does not want to hear about them, certainly not now, when they are fogged out and see you as not on their side. Don't fight her on her feelings. They are her feelings and very important to her, the same that yours are very (painfully!) important to you.
How might it have gone differently?
W, you've been unhappy a long time, huh? You don't feel the way you want to feel about us? You even feel like our R is a dead horse, so bad it needs to be ripped out like an abcessed tooth? Wow, I didn't realize it had gotten so bad for you. I can see why you want all that to stop if that's how bad you feel. That you want your unhappiness to end once and for all and you feel that ending our R will do that for you, huh?
And you don't say anything else. That is accepting and validating her feelings. You are not agreeing that you would do the same thing or that you would make the same choice or that you think her choice will lead to her happiness.
You've hung on longer than may have been healthy for you or for her. There are hints of anger and resentment coming through in your messages now (boldfaced below). A consequence of "giving" hoping to influence her in return, but without reward. Of being rejected over and over again. She did not hold a gun to your head compelling you to do this for her. Please don't do it to yourself anymore. It's time for distance and YOUR healing, Rick.
Yes, let her find her own way. You can do this.
Originally Posted By: rickb89
I said that she has quite some time to take even one step but instead has spent all her time on herself only and for herself only, which coupled with the lifestyle change has done a lot of damage..however I have stood by her her entire journey through this...and been rebuffed 100%.
I was willing to go forever for her. She chose such an immoral path (by my definition) that she became the abscessed tooth (to use her analogy).
She asked me last night again to show her how to take care of finances. You know, I've been at this with her for 20+ years...just to try and learn it...Part of me wants to say kiss my a$$...good luck trying to swim.
Okay Busto...I'm rested enough to give this its fair consideration. I have to admit every point you make her is correct. She is where she is for her own reasons and she has a right to be where she is. I am most definitely making personal judgements on her based on where I am. And much of my anger is selfish in that its me freaked about my own world collapsing.
