Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

W had her taxes done. 1) It's going to cost us more money to file separately. 2) She did it because I owe quarterly taxes from last year and she is trying to separate herself from that debt.

We owe taxes because I was underemployed and didn't have enough to make ends meet. I told her, "Where do you think that debt comes from? We didn't have enough. I gave you all the money I had." This made her *really* mad. "You gave *me* all your money!?!?! <huff><huff>"

The conversation lasted for probably an hour, and was 90% calm. She said that in order for there to be some hope of reconciliation, she needed us to have separate houses. The current arrangement when she sees me several times a week isn't going to work. I reminded her that I've been asking her for weeks how we need to adjust our arrangement so that it works for her. She said, "I told you long ago. I need a separation. You're never going to be able to do it." She brought up the spying. I brought up the OM, how she was behaving suspiciously. I said I wished that had never happened. I cried just a little bit when I told her how much it hurt to read what she and OM were saying to each other.

That did not go well. I took an ambien so I could get to sleep.

W says the separation she needs is where we have two houses and I take the kids to my house when I have them and she doesn't see me at church, or possibly ever. W and I can't really afford two houses and an extra set of stuff for the kids.

I want to tell her that I can give her a separation, but I have to be sure there is not something I can do that is better for the kids. I believe she has sabotaged efforts to make this arrangement work by refusing to talk about what she needs. (I can't believe how selfish she is all the time. I wish I never married her. I wish she would just disappear and leave me with the kids and not ever talk to me again until she is able to think of other people. I am so frustrated!) I want to point out how expensive and painful this will be, and that I have a responsibility to my kids to try to find a better way if it is possible.

I want her to come to 4 counseling sessions with me over the next month to explore whether there may be an alternative to getting the kids two sets of bedrooms and houses to live in and all that other stuff. That crosses a line for me, and all this "Kids are resilient" crap makes me want to punch people in the face.