Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

Talks with DB coaches are always great. They make you feel more at ease and less out of control. They give you hope that you are doing the right thing and validate and affirm your choice to try to save your marriage against the odds. And they make you feel more sympathetic toward your spouse and more capable of using a gentle patient approach.

Laurie said that when she talked to my wife, W echoed a lot of what I said and there were no surprises. W is really concerned with separating the finances. Laurie said another topic W wanted to talk about was helping me accept what is coming. Obviously not what I wanted to hear. And Laurie said that toward the end, W got anxious and said she felt pressured about getting on the phone with both Laurie and me. Laurie thought it best to take the pressure off and cancel the call.

Laurie and I talked about what is going on now. I agreed that there was more I could do to separate finances, and I would work on that. We talked a lot about W's need for more space. She suggested I ask "If you were getting enough space, what would our schedule look like over the next two weeks?". We talked about the possibility that maybe I would try not to see her at all for that period. I was also going to say something along the lines of, "I'm worried that I can be forgetful. Is there something you have asked for that you feel that I'm not giving you or not remembering?" also "Are there ways you are feeling pressured that I can take away?" Laurie also said to figure out when W feels it's safe to talk to me.

The plan was not to hit her with this all at once, and to listen, validate, not be defensive. Also, not to push back at all when she tells me what she needs.

Then late last night when she came home a little late from kickboxing, I was ironing my shirts. She said she has to tell me something and that I should probably put the heavy object down first...