I could really use some help! I just found this site and ordered Divorce Remedy book yesterday.
My wife is leaving me and the most common reason I get “cannot live with the pressure she is not the wife I need/deserve” and “she is not in love me”.
Wife (3 young kids, 12yr marriage) seems to fit the classic “walk away wife” mold. I’ve got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech. She has told me she thinks she is more at blame. She is unwilling to work on things, does not want to give me “false hope”. She barely talks and has hired an attorney, is really anxious to move out (attorney is telling her not to because “abandonment” can go against you in court). Unwilling to talk much or see a marriage counseler. I’m sure she is going to stay for another 2 months until kids are out of school. I can hold up settlement talks somewhat.
I’m fit, in shape… she is still pretty but aging quite a bit. I’m still very attracted to her and always let her know. I’m 34 and she is 38 now. Back when we got married she was the “hot” one and I was out of shape but in good shape financially, etc I probably look better today than when I was 22.
She has had issues with depression, sleep problems, and joint pains… has hoped around on some meds.
She has been “unloving” for some time, I would get sex every week or two, but not much else emotionally…. She encouraged me to get a mistress. Sex seemed more like a chore to her.
Apparently she was not serious about the mistress, I was caught with a very nice looking 22yr old by one of my wife’s friends (dancing, kissing at a club). This pushed kind of pushed the situation over the edge.
We had an emotional discussion about this and agreed to fix things, 2 days later she said she wanted a divorce and has not changed her mind since. Our 3-8yr kids are devastated by this. She is a great mother to them. We are both very active with kids, when she takes the kids to her parents for overnights (3 times in the last 4 weeks) the kids are upset. A divorce will likely wreak our finances, the stuff kids will have, their ability to go to college, etc… she doesn’t seem too concerned.
She jumps around on how she has felt about me… most of the times she says I was a good husband and father and it is just her falling out of love. In the past she has felt I have not done enough with the kids... I was probably still better than 75% of men back then. She has told me she was not sure if she ever wanted to get married but thought she was supposed to do the get married and have kids thing. Other times she said she is resentful I spend so much time with kids now and am so active with them, that she constantly “needed a break” before and I never took them on my own. In my defense, I didn’t but it was hard for me to handle a baby and two young kids by myself.
I’ve done the opposite of the (Sheri’s 37 rules)… I’ve pushed, begged, as hard as I can.
I think she tried a little more to be a better wife a month or so ago and I did not recipiate as much as I should have. She had mentioned living apart and separation before then. At that time we were having problems and I actually tried changing myself, doing a 180. The 180 move seemed to backfire. I started working out hard (I’ve lost 15 lbs), mostly from weightlifting, I dress much better, I starting taking my own time to go out with friends and encouraged her to the same. It just made her suspicious I was doing it for other girls (which was partially true). Things seemed to get worse and worse I did this. Then I met the girl while I was out with friends and the whole thing went over the edge. I’m really confused… the acting indifferent and 180 changes seemed to have killed my relationship. No idea what I should do. If we do separation agreement or court divorce things are going to get very painful and I’m sure I will be bitter about her wrecking our finances and my kids’ lives, if we get to that point I will probably never have anything to do with her again. But today, I love her and want my family to stay together so much. I may have a matter of a week or two, to a couple months to fix things. Also she said she would stay as roommates if we had no sexual relationship.
