I still keep going...

[keep_going]

I have not posted in almost a month - one of the worst months of my life.


My marriage is over.


I have been in a backslide that has lasted now many weeks and cannot seem to be able to get out of it.

It started when I finally decided to do something about what I considered my H's financial irresponsibility and file for legal separation.

I felt like he tried to threaten me about finances when I said I wanted to stay home with the kids instead of going back to work full time like he wanted me to. I said I didn't want a nanny raising our kids and was willing to make the financial sacrifices. He said he was just stating the facts of our dire financial reality and consequences should I decide not to go back to work.

He then tried both in a nice and then not so nice way to convince me / force me to not hire attorneys. He said I only wanted to take advantage and throw away money that we didn't have.

He then came with his ridiculous financial proposal. And when he later found out thru OW's lawyer friend that a) he could not force me back to work and b) what he would need to give me according to our sit. and based on the formulas in our state, he panicked... After all, he had just moved to a luxury apartment with a 1-year lease. BTW, he told me he didn't have a budget for his apartment because we couldn't afford it anyways, so he went ahead and rented what suited his needs...

So coincidentally (or not) after his chat with his lawyer friend, he sent me an email telling me he wanted 50/50 custody and listing the new custody arrangement/schedule. No questions asked.

I refused. I questioned his motives, I still do.
He accused me of trying to take his kids away from him.

I proposed (by my lawyers' advice) a temporary custody arrangement that gave him more time with the kids but not as much as he wanted.

He refused. He did what I felt was harass me all last week. Showed up to kids' swim lessons and refused to leave afterwards (on my nights). Showed up to my house on my nights and even at the restaurant where I took the kids for dinner. He started texting and asking about the kids every night (something he didn't do at all in the 14+ months since he left).

He has told everyone I want to take the kids from him. I lashed out. This last move, whatever his motivation is the worst dagger.
He has changed his mind on custody so many times since he left... Are our children supposed to be the guinea pigs every time he has a change of heart?
I ignored his calls, texts and emails. I wasn't nice, I was angry and hurt. I don't want to see him. I am not being cooperative...

He involved his siblings. Calling them and telling them how unreasonable I am. His brother even called me. We talked and at the end of the call, he said I needed to get my lawyer to proceed. He also believes H is all about money at this point.
His sister does as well. My lawyer does as well.

But what if I am just letting myself be guided by my hurt, anger and what everyone else is saying? Is this the right thing? The Christian thing to do?

Am I supposed to fight or roll over?

What is really the best for my kids?
Will me having full custody be better, more stable for them? Would it be better to have 50 / 50 and a flaky dad (that is how he has acted all this time...)


I am afraid to give in to 50/50 and have my H NOT follow thru... then what? OW will cover for him? His mom?
I am afraid to give in to 50/50 and have my H be able to do it. And then I am the one left behind...
I am afraid to not give in and hurt my kids.
I am afraid to not give in and have my H hate me.

I am angry, sad, hurt, afraid. Shxt. How is this fair? He is the one that abandoned us, me being 2 months pregnant. He is the one who started dating after 3 weeks, the one with the EA before he left, the one who slept with a woman who was supposedly working on her marriage. And now that OW is his love of his life. And I have to hear my daughter say that OW is part of our family...
And I am now the one who has to settle to being a part-time mom?

Yes, I am angry again...
All the DBing, all the counseling, effort, anger-management, everything is gone. H still hates me as much as when he left.
He is completely justified his actions (I have helped him to). He is 100% sure this is the best for him and the kids. He would never come back to me.

And he has said he wants to end this "with a smile on his face." He believes "we can all be happy." He wants me to be nice to OW when we see each other in kids' activities in the future...He wants me to be happy, really.

And I cannot forgive myself. I had over a year to turn things around and I've only pushed my M to a D. Shxt, I don't even want that and I was the one who made the first move! I hate talking to my lawyer. I hate everything about this.

And my SIL says H will go for the jugular if i stand in his way... He will claim I am abusive and threaten to go for full custody and take the kids away from me if I don't agree to 50/50 custody.

I always said I didn't care about the money. But now that I see the reality hit, I am afraid. I will either have to go back to work and spend limited time with my kids and have them be raised by childcare of some form, or I have to give up the dreams we (both H and I had for them), to give them a quiet, stable life in a safe neighborhood, with a solid education.

And in the end, is that really that important?

I read somewhere in these boards that it is impossible to DB while you are going thru a divorce.
yet, that is all I wanted... To improve, to DB, to show my H there could be a future.
How is it that I still want this man back? How can I not detach, forget and move on?

I stopped seeing my counselor. Out of money... And besides, she was just really validating me all the time. I became suspect of that. She would not question me or my motives when I complained about H. She would side with me that we were both 50% responsible for the demise of our marriage. But I am the one with the anger problem, so she should have challenged me, I think...

I am sorry, I am reeling and rambling all over the place...

I just want to lay in a corner, like a little ball and not come out. I am just functioning because of the kids.
But they are smart. They know I am not happy, that I am sad, and tired, and burned out, and impatient. And daddy is the happy one, the cool one, the one that takes them places, the one with the nice home in a development with three pools, parks and many amenities. I am the one with the routine, the rules, the bed time schedule...

How did I end up here?
I want none of this...

Should I fight with everything I have?
Should I give in and let go?

What is best for the kids? For me?
How do I make my H not hate me?
How do I reverse this trend?
How do I stop feeling like this?
Depressed, angry, hurt, abandoned, fearful...
And I cannot seem to forgive myself, or him...
:-(

[RoRoinMD]

(((Keep going))) I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

I don't have any advice as I don't have kids at home, but know that I am praying for you and your sitch.

It does however sound like you need to take some time to just sit back and think things through. In the words of 25years, take a breath, and maybe then things will be a little clearer.

[labug]

So sorry you find yourself in such a difficult place. I can hear the hurt and feelings of abandonment in your words.

And a lot of anger, not that anyone else wouldn't be but it's hard to deal with. You say you stopped IC. Is there someone else you could see and talk with? A pastor, a divorce recovery group. Find out what your resources are. Reacting from that place of anger will not be a help and will only deplete you.

Remember to take care of yourself. You have a lot on your plate. Eat, stay hydrated, rest when you can. Spend time loving on your children

The good things are you have a L who is working for you. Let him/her handle all the ugly stuff for you.

You are not taking H's emails, texts, calls. Continue that. I think I would be careful in talking with anyone from his family. You never know what their real motives might be.

You are concerned about custody and you're probably not going to like this questions but why shouldn't he have 50/50? Is he abusive? Is he neglectful? Don't let your anger push you to do something that will only hurt you more.

You are right that dream you had of how your family would be is not going to happen. It's not your reality now. Grieve the loss of that but...

Create a new dream for you and your kids.

You didn't push him to divorce. He was there when he dropped the bomb. You weren't and you did your best to save it knowing that the odds were long. It didn't happen. Now you have to put that energy into you and your children and this next hill coming up-divorce.

All the DBing, all the counseling, effort, anger-management, everything is gone.

It's not gone, you're just having trouble accessing is right now. Work through that anger and start using the skills you've learned, you need them now more than ever.

H still hates me as much as when he left.

So? That says nothing about you. His feelings are his feelings. You have no control over that. You don't have to forgive him right now but don't lose yourself in hating him.

Your kids need you to be the stable one in their lives.

Keep posting.

(((kg)))

[Rick1963]

KG good you are back. Las post is very wise. So sorry

[keep_going]

RRMD - thank you for your words of encouragement. I appreciate your kind thoughts and words.

Labug
Thanks as well.

You ask a very valid question.

You are concerned about custody and you're probably not going to like this questions but why shouldn't he have 50/50? Is he abusive? Is he neglectful? Don't let your anger push you to do something that will only hurt you more.

It is something I question every day, every hour.
It consumes me to think that my motives may not be what they should.

If I look at the facts and H's actions since he left:

- When he left, he asked for the D and wanted 50/50 custody.
- I told him to think about it - it was a great time commitment and given his job travel and responsibilities
- He accused me of trying to take the kids away. Once his travel started kicking in, he came back saying I was right and there was no way he could do 50/50 custody with his job. At the time, he was a VP; he is now a COO and supervises dozens of people more than at the time.
- In the last 14 months, he has been out of town for travel 74 days (work and to see OW). This doesn't include the days he has been in town, but MIA because OW is here.
- For the first 6 months, he only saw the kids at my place, they never spent the night at his (our former home)
- I started insisting he took them to spend the night, both for the kids' sake and so I could have a break. His excuses (in order) were:
- I am not set up to have them overnight
- I don't have a bed for them
Once the baby was born, he said - I'll take the girls but not the baby - I don't have a crib
- Then he said - I don't know if I can handle the three of them
- So he started having them spend one night on the weekends and seeing them at my place twice a week.
- He said they could not spend a work night because he had to work... At this point, I gave up asking him to take them.
- When the baby was born, he said he would take some vacation time off to be with us, bond with the baby and help me at night.
- He took off to Vegas with OW five days after our son was born

So now he wants 50/50...
Since he made that statement, he got upset at me for not sending him an email with specific instructions on what to put in the girls' lunch box for school. Really? How hard is it to think of what to pack for lunch? After all, he grew up in the US, he should remember.
He also has asked what type of baby food the baby can eat...

Look, I can tell him, write it and help him out. And I did. But is this really the attitude of a guy that wants 50/50? Why is he still relying on me? I am not his mom... What if I was not around? I know he would certainly figure it out then.

Anyways, ten days ago when he got the exact amount of child support and alimony he would need to give me, he panicked. He sent me emails and text messages saying there was no way he could survive with what he would get. That I was taking him to the cleaners, that I should at least leave him with some dignity...

And then came the email asking for 50/50 custody. This is the only variable he has left to lean the numbers his way... Only if the kids are under his care longer, will he get more money.

As for MY motivations, which are the ones that should matter to me:
- I am afraid that this is just another impulsive decision. That he will realize it's a big commitment and that he won't be able to come thru. That he will change his mind again and then tell me to have the kids more. And that the children will feel yet once again, abandoned by him. I could not bear to see him do it twice to them.
- I am afraid that he won't be able to come thru and try to get OW or his mom to pick up the slack, rather than accept his mistake. Then the kids won't be bonding with either him or me.
- I am afraid that because he might be doing it for money, that once he has them, he will not be engaged with them and truly bond with them, although that is just me trying to control his behavior
- I am also afraid that he will come thru, and that the kids will be happier with him and want to be only with him and OW and that I will be left behind. This is the one purely selfish motivation that should not weigh in. But I have big abandonment issues, and I cannot help fear this.

So yes, I question if 50/50 is bad and it scares me. I don't want to be vindictive.

At the end of the day, I just want to do what's right by God and my children. I want to make decisions based on good motives and intentions. And I am so afraid of making the wrong move motivated by anger or resentment, that I am paralized and so burdened by the weight of all the really big decisions that lie ahead of me.

To say that I am overwhelmed, is an understatement.

[labug]

Take all the info to your L and hammer it out.

That he will realize it's a big commitment and that he won't be able to come thru. That he will change his mind again and then tell me to have the kids more. And that the children will feel yet once again, abandoned by him. I could not bear to see him do it twice to them

.

Out of your control no matter how much time he has them. His relationship with his children is his responsibility.

- I am afraid that he won't be able to come thru and try to get OW or his mom to pick up the slack, rather than accept his mistake. Then the kids won't be bonding with either him or me.

Again, out of your control. He will have the children sometime and he will do what he does.

I am afraid that because he might be doing it for money, that once he has them, he will not be engaged with them and truly bond with them, although that is just me trying to control his behavior

Out of your control and, yes!

I am also afraid that he will come thru, and that the kids will be happier with him and want to be only with him and OW and that I will be left behind. This is the one purely selfish motivation that should not weigh in. But I have big abandonment issues, and I cannot help fear this.

Believe it or not, I had some of these same fears and my sons are young adults! I'd put good money on every parent feels this way at this point in the sitch.

Keep being the good mother you are and believe in you! Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, they want love, stability and someone who pays attention, not someone who pays for stuff.

Did the good times when you were a kid revolve around "stuff" or good times with loving people?

[Valeska19]

(((KG)))

I'm soo sorry you have had a rough month. The things that you are going through with your husband sound horrible. My heart aches for you.

LA gave alot of good advice. I wanted to add in regards to a couple specifics.

I hope the board doesn't mind .

But what if I am just letting myself be guided by my hurt, anger and what everyone else is saying? Is this the right thing? The Christian thing to do?

I asked myself the same questions in January. I couldn't tell if I was being co-dependent or Christian. I couldn't tell if I was angry or FINALLY sticking up for myself.

I was going in circles.

I remember one morning being in the shower and I just started weeping and I told God.. that I just didn't know.. that I needed guidance and I was so confused in my heart and head that I couldn't go another step until he told me what to do....

.... and that he better hit me over the head with the answer cause I love my wife very much so anything that I may "perceive" as being harmful to her.. I wouldn't do.

So I went dark.....

.... and I fasted....

... and prayed.....

...and fasted some more...

.... and prayed some more...

and after 21 days.. I finally got my answer. I did not like it too much, but by handing it over to God... I did get some peace.

And that's what I would suggest to you.

Hand your marriage over to GOD.

That doesn't mean that you get to walk away.. that doesn't mean the next steps won't be hard.

That doesn't mean that some days you won't want to take over the reigns.

.... it just means to have FAITH....

... to have faith that God Loves you more than we can ever comprehend... more than your H.

... and he knows what's best for us.

.... and like any good father... will allow hurtful things in our life so we can become the people he wants us to be.

So if that means that you are not supposed to be with your H at this time, it's for the best.

It sukks.. and that statement alone will test your faith.. because of YOUR selfish wants...

which makes total sense to me and I can relate.

But as 25 says.. let Go and let God...

... and if you still fear that your are emotions are getting in your way.. pray about it.

Seriously.. when I was afraid that I MIGHT be doing something out of anger, I prayed... alot..

and God either gave me peace or brought me someone in my life to put me in check.

He will for you too..

.... enough rambling for now.

(((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

gosh you have gotten some great advice KG...

for a SUKKY Situation that reeked from the start when he left a pregnant wife...

if you were not physically threatening him it's inexucable. BTW If you were so crazy angry and "abusive," WHY DID HE LEAVE HIS CHILDREN WITH YOU???)

Yes I think it's about the money. As does his own family. He may not consciously admit it but surely the timing must strike even him, as suspect.

Do you have any evidence/emails of his prior statements about his schedule and how tough it would be for him to "handle all three kids"? That will help and as La or val said

hand THAT over to the L's...

If your h is ever to see the light it will ONLY be AFTER he accomplishes his "Mission" which he is pursuing, "damned the consequences" in a terrible effort to prove himself "right"...after all, he and OW MUST be happy or...or all this pain will have been for nothing and will be on him...

Leave him to his task...which for now is to be with OW until the shine wears off.


OW never had to do half what you have done so frankly, I TIRE of hearing about how difficult you were

when you BOTH were setting YOU and the m, up for failure b/c of the Superwoman BS.

I believe you when you say you acted like a bitter shrew and withheld sex, and I think that's a stupid thing to have done...but you are human and you learned AND good Lord, look at your sitch! (It's like holding me accountable for what I said while I was in labor for our kids...we don't go there)

Can YOU give yourself a break?

Yes turn the m over to God for YOUR PEACE of mind, and let go of what you cannot control, which is most (not all, but most) of this.

I used to say out loud in the shower, "God I hand this anger/pain/marriage over to you" (depending on my mood.) I said it often.

Thinking it, saying it and hearing myself say it somehow helped it sink in better.

The Serenity prayer probably says it best:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can; and

the wisdom to know the difference."


By being calmer and more serene, your attitude with the kids will improve, and your fears of abandonment will hopefully be lessened, b/c it's not as if you are not "doing" anything about that issue. You are.

IF you know in your heart that you are not acting out of a dark wounded place or from a raging anger,

But that you are simply engaged in self preservation for YOU and the kids

then hold your head high knowing you did the best you could in a shitzy sitch.
The truth will be revealed in time.

But it's like the airlines say, "put the 0xygen mask on YOU FIRST, or no one gets saved"--DO NOT confuse protecting yourself/kids security, with being selfish.

Your h's choice to rent a place he knew YOU TWO could not afford to give himself & OW the comforts of a man who can afford it
is selfish. So was his leaving you while pregnant. So was cheating.
All three of these things^^^ hurt the CHILDREN not just emotionally but financially and possibly educationally.

Someone has to put them first. Maybe he will in the future. But you have 14 months history of him NOT doing that. Damn...he left you while you were pregnant.

I can't believe you carried the baby full term. (Someday I hope you tell him "You're welcome!")

So I'd say you two are more than even now, so please stop wearing the hair shirt about what a crap w you were, and how YOU got yourself here, etc.

Stay on course.

Keep being the new you (as much as you can; it's not a linear growth path) to and with him---but if his perspective is clouded by selfishness on his end AND OR self preservation on your part, so be it.


When the dust settles and he reflects on the wreckage, he'll have to own that he "left my w when she was pregnant with our THIRD child in 4 years" and though HE SAYS it isn't about the money, it is. He's really been out of touch in fantasy land and if you are not the messenger of doom, and let the Lawyers do their job, then he'll get some reality therapy.

What choice do you have, given his "proposal"?


He wants you to go back to work now full time making big bucks AS A SINGLE MOTHER??? And HE got that apartment? It's about the money...

So really you have no choice. Leave him alone so he can get out in the real world and get his head out of the clouds and get some Reality Therapy.


While you get legal counsel and some dang peace of mind.

Turn the marriage over to God, and turn the legalities over to your L.

And keep on keeping on...

this too, shall pass.

[NLW]

Hey KG,
Just wanted to say I feel for you.

I seem to be going through a similar phase right now. My H was nice enough to me until I pressed about finances and then all hell broke lose and the emotional blackmail/extortion started up big time.

My H and yours seem to be working off the same script: "dire financial situation", "ridiculous financial proposal", "consequences" and "will go for the jugular if i stand in his way " and don't do exactly what he says to keep him in the manner to which he has grown accustomed.

My H also refuses to work through lawyers, saying that he simply doesn't have the money to employ one.

If you have the time you might want to take a look at my 2 recent threads - I've had some great advice and support from wise posters and much of this would be applicable to the situation you now find yourself in.

I'll be thinking of you and praying that you can steer a path through this...

The one positive I've found from the last month is that it's SO much easier for me to detach now.

H has shown zero care for me, and that makes it easier to realise that there is no point me being personally invested in his emotional crisis at the moment.

My focus is now on me and my kids.

Best,
NLW

[keep_going]

Labug,

Thank you so much for your really good advice.
I want you to know that I have been following your sitch (although not posting much - my bad) and have a lot of similarities in the challenges in our marriages and our personality flaws. I love how you always have a level-headed and very positive spin in your sitch and I look at to your behavior and responses as a source of encouragement and inspiration.
I will make sure to stop by your thread tonight and post to you. I want to give some of what you have given me back.

You are so right - my fears / concerns are a lot about my control issues... And that falls directly into my lack of detachment and letting go. It's a must and I am only making things worse on myself by not doing so. The ugliness of my sitch make it a necessity at this point if I am going to make it on the other side and happy.

In just the last 24 hrs., with all the support and kind words of everyone here, I have felt much more relieved and supported in this very dark moment for me. So thank you all. It means so much and I am once again starting to get my face above water and taking a deep breath to start focusing on what I need to do.

Calm down, detach, focus on myself.

Believe it or not, I had some of these same fears and my sons are young adults! I'd put good money on every parent feels this way at this point in the sitch.

I am also glad to see that my worries and fears are not unique. I was starting to feel like I was losing my mind and going in circles inside myself.

thank you again.