So sorry you find yourself in such a difficult place. I can hear the hurt and feelings of abandonment in your words.
And a lot of anger, not that anyone else wouldn't be but it's hard to deal with. You say you stopped IC. Is there someone else you could see and talk with? A pastor, a divorce recovery group. Find out what your resources are. Reacting from that place of anger will not be a help and will only deplete you.
Remember to take care of yourself. You have a lot on your plate. Eat, stay hydrated, rest when you can. Spend time loving on your children
The good things are you have a L who is working for you. Let him/her handle all the ugly stuff for you.
You are not taking H's emails, texts, calls. Continue that. I think I would be careful in talking with anyone from his family. You never know what their real motives might be.
You are concerned about custody and you're probably not going to like this questions but why shouldn't he have 50/50? Is he abusive? Is he neglectful? Don't let your anger push you to do something that will only hurt you more.
You are right that dream you had of how your family would be is not going to happen. It's not your reality now. Grieve the loss of that but...
Create a new dream for you and your kids.
You didn't push him to divorce. He was there when he dropped the bomb. You weren't and you did your best to save it knowing that the odds were long. It didn't happen. Now you have to put that energy into you and your children and this next hill coming up-divorce.
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All the DBing, all the counseling, effort, anger-management, everything is gone.
It's not gone, you're just having trouble accessing is right now. Work through that anger and start using the skills you've learned, you need them now more than ever.
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H still hates me as much as when he left.
So? That says nothing about you. His feelings are his feelings. You have no control over that. You don't have to forgive him right now but don't lose yourself in hating him.
Your kids need you to be the stable one in their lives.
Keep posting.
(((kg)))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
