MC says to call it quits

[Accuray]

Thanks Oldtimer,

Uncharted territory for me but so far I can see the benefits. I did create more distance than she wanted and that's what precipitated her to get upset and ask for the R discussion.

Does that mean I take a step to reduce the distance, or maintain the uncomfortable (for her) distance?

The devil is in the details. For a period of time, we were chatting via Skype daily to check in and always ended with an ILY of some kind. I stopped initiating the Skype entirely unless I need something concerning the kids that is urgent. When she Skype's me, I'm friendly and will engage with her. I've noticed that she will initiate 2-3 times per week (versus every day).

I also stopped ending with any kind of "ILY" and instead go with the "see you later" or similar. She has given me an ILY type sentiment once over the course of three weeks, but I think the fact that I'm not doing it bothers her. She has also said "ILY" a couple times in person which she virtually never used to do when I was pushing for more intimacy, unless in response to something I said first.

One of the R books I read also said it's a great habit to hug for at least 6 seconds before you leave for work in the morning and when you get home at night. That practice of maintaining at least 6 seconds tends to reconnect you, release any accumulated small resentments, and gets your head back in the game. That practice definitely had benefits for me in terms of keeping me connected. As part of the distancing exercise, I stopped initiating that completely, both at the beginning of the day and the end. W has not picked it up -- she might have hugged me once or twice in the morning over the course of two weeks.

Here's what's trickier -- we've made it a point to go to bed at the same time. Overall I think this is great, because I'm a night owl and it forces me to go to bed at a reasonable time. We've been hugging before we fall asleep where she lays with her head on my chest. To make that happen, I have to get my arm under her head, so I have to make the first move. Now if I don't make that move, she assumes something is *really* wrong -- to her it's like I left and am sleeping in the guest room, so she'll stay on her side of the bed and won't be able to fall asleep, and that makes me unable to sleep.

Am I doing myself more harm by continuing to initiate that, or by blowing it up without a good explanation (i.e. I don't feel like doing that anymore). That's one area where I'm stuck because it's a significant act of physical connection that happens every day. What's your guidance? Stop or continue, and if stop, how should that be explained?

Finally ML -- one of my boundaries has been that we will ML at least once per week, and I would prefer twice. She gets to pick when and initiate. Should I drop that to further increase distance, or keep that in place? Obviously I like the frequency.

Thanks!

Accuray