My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[timbits]

OK, so to finish the story from the first post, I sent her the email to never call my parents' home again, copied H on it and also sent him another email that morning. I basically said that if he wanted to be with me, he had to make a decision and that there were things I needed to stay in this marriage. I told him that I needed him to get a job (he's been unemployed for over 5 years) within the month, we needed to move out of our current apartment in his parents' home by November, we had to attend MC and he could NEVER speak with OW again.

He agreed to these. I was working in an office about 45 minutes away and he showed up with roses and a card, apologizing and saying he made a huge mistake, that he would do what I wanted and he tried to explain what happened. I have been abused as a child and have difficulty with intimacy (and trust, which has been damaged as a result of this. He said that because we hadn't been intimate in so long, he felt unloved and that he enjoyed the attention that OW gave him.

Mostly, I was angry that he lied to me. So I told him that he had to be honest with me. He agreed, and finally told me the whole story. He told me that he and OW had kissed and made out, but never had sex. This is, in my opinion, a PA regardless of the fact that they didn't consumate it. He told me that it probably would have gone to that point if they hadn't been found out by OW's H. Again, I feel betrayed, but I was relieved to finally know the truth. H's mother is a bit histrionic and he has always had to keep things from her to prevent her from getting hysterical (seriously, she's a narcissist and abusive). He was always afraid to tell me the truth. I told him that I was happy he was being honest with me, that although it hurt me, I needed to know the truth.

We attended MC again that week and, while I feel better, I keep having good and bad days. H is still having problems with his anxiety and depression and I find I am vacillating between pity and anger. I feel bad that he's in pain, but at the same time, he caused a lot of it himself. I feel like he is missing his affair, that he's lonely and that makes me angry. He agreed to do whatever it takes, but I feel like I deserve better than this, KWIM? Yes, I have my own issues, but I would NEVER EVER go outside the marriage for this. Sometimes I feel like leaving. Other times I'm desperate for his affection.

I still feel a disconnect. I feel like he's pushing me away because he's afraid to leave me first, like he wants me to do it. I feel like I love him more than anything, but if we're both so unhappy, then why are we doing this? I'm certainly not happy right now and I know he isn't either. I don't know what to do.

We have another MC session on Thursday. I'm trying to do the 180 and some days are better than others. I just don't know what to do. I'm starting up some hobbies again (I make jewellery and have a metal smithing course coming up) and going to the gym and trying to take care of myself. I have a tendency to let my self care slide, a coping mechanism I developed from my childhood abuse. Sometimes I just feel so alone, which shouldn't happen in a marriage.