"- I'm going to be happy. Not because of you, but in spite of you. - I'm going to be happy, and I'm not going to let you be responsible for that in any way. - My personal happiness can't be dependent upon a healthy M, so I need to spend my time/energy on me instead of our M."
YES!!!!!! YES!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
"So I want to reach a point where it just doesn't matter. If H walked in looking like Brad Pitt, was romantic like Valentino, got a promotion at work and made $1M/year, etc. or walked in and handed me D papers, I want to be completely unaffected either way. That is my mission. I want to be soooo independently happy/living that what my H does or doesn't do makes absolutely no difference to my life."
Noooo!!!
Of course it is important to have a relationship, a partnership that enriches our lives in which we share in joy, support each other through hard times, etc...
There is a difference between a strong, independent, self-sufficient, self-reliant, whole, well-grounded person and being alone and uncaring. The first requires detachment from another person's stuff so it doesn't warp you and undermine your happiness thereby making space for greater intimacy, the second requires alienation and denial of self and others.
If that doesn't make sense now, ignore it, and focus on the first stuff.
As for the boundaries -- great job stating them clearly to H. It sounds like the side of things to work on is ENFORCING them. Unenforced boundaries are not really boundaries. Resentfully going along with boundary breaches is not good for anyone. It is damaging to you, it sets H up for failure. So, try to STOP a boundary violation PRECISELY when it happens. No CPAP, no wife in bed. No respecting your sexual boundaries, no continuance of sexual activities in that moment.
