I met with my IC yesterday to talk about J's request to "help" me. She told me "I am here to help you work on you, not be his tool to do what you don't want. He'll have to do his own dirty work."
She also said that she felt from his actions toward me that there is still a deep well of care and concern for me, and that his MLC is obscuring that.
It helps me to keep top of mind that this is more about how J is feeling than it is about me. But J is pushing me to give him permission to divorce me. It's permission I cannot and will not give him, and may never be able to give him.
I am out all night on Wednesday for a work project, then a friend of mine and I are going to dinner and a movie the next night. On Saturday, J is going to a work friend's St. Patrick's Day party (where he tells me he may stay overnight if he drinks too much). I worry that if he is cheating on me with anyone then that person will be at the party too, but since I can't do anything about it right now, I am not going to spend a lot of time worrying about it. If he does something like that, it's all on his own head.
I've made plans to be out on Saturday with another friend. I am taking her to a local tea room for a luncheon tea and then we might do some shopping.
Slowly, slowly GALing and trying to keep a loving distance from J's lashing out. Patience, Courage and Strength are my new mantra.
