Is this cake eating 4

[Denver_2010]

Just feel like I would really like to hear from someone who's had this said to them by a confidant of a WAS.

My wife is VERY close to her sister. In the first few months of our S, I was still having a lot of contact with my BIL. He told me that W was dead set on her decision to D me and that I should probably 'move on'.

So yes, I understand how you feel.

A couple of things:

1) No one can say for certain how this is going to turn out. Not even your H. One thing that I have learned over the past 15+ months is that things can, and sometimes do, change in a second. In both good and a bad ways. One minute it seemed my W would never ever consider reconciling, the next, she missed me... the next minute, I'm spending tons of time with her, a second later, I find out that she misses OM. Up and down, up and down. That's why they say this process can be a roller coaster ride from hell. It has been for me.

2) So, don't get too caught up on what you hear. I'm sure that someone here has told you to believe ZERO of what you hear and only half of what you see. That is very, very true.

3) Know that your H is going through emotional turmoil right now too. I don't care what he says or does, he is. This is a life transition for him too and I guarantee you that underneath all of the venom, there is a doubt. He has to work through the emotions that he is feeling before he can address the doubt. The anger? Most likely his attempt to convince himself that he is doing the right thing and is making the right decision. See, he has to be angry in order to do what he is doing. That anger gives him strength. My W has flat out admitted that is why she would be so hateful and mean to mean at times during this process. She had to be in order to leave and stay left. I broke that down by letting her go through her emotions, letting her alone, not responding to it, understanding, and continuing to love.

4) points 1-3 are not to get your hopes up. Listen to 25MLC. She is exactly right. You need to detach. And I suggested going on a strict diet of LRT. I think that both are very appropriate here. This is for you and for your emotional well being, but it will also serve the purpose of item 3 above. You need to remove yourself from the equation and let him go through this process. Only then will you see how the dust settles.

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. I know and understand how that feels. Know that it will get better no matter what happens. Time does heal.

Denver