hope you love her, cause you're stuck with her now

[MichelleLT]

I have been dwelling on the idea of writing Roger a letter. Thinking about it for a couple weeks now, keep coming back to it.

The draft I started has been sitting in my e-mail and looks like this at present:

Roger,

When you first told me that I had treated you better than you had treated me, my initial reaction was to say "no". I have a really hard time thinking of negative things about our relationship. On the surface it seemed like you were a great partner, helpful, compassionate, loving, supportive. There are so many things I admired about you, I loved your sense of humor, and I think you have the most amazing smile and eyes in the world.

But a lot of things have come up in the last month and a half which have forced me to consider the fact that you may be right. I deserve a partner who is committed to me. I deserve a partner who will talk to me about issues instead of expecting me to know that I am supposed to raise an issue that I don't know you want to talk about again. I deserve a partner who will not walk out without fighting for us, even if that means fighting with me.

I wrote the following relationship rules when Neal and I were in the midst of our separation. You and I have been so compatible in almost everything that I think I assumed we were operating off the same relationship rules. But in retrospect, I think that was not true. But I will share them with you to hopefully clarify to you why I am so hurt and disappointed with how things have ended.

1. If one person thinks there is a problem, there is a problem.
2. The person who sees the problem has the responsibility to start the discussion and keep it going as long as necessary because neither person in this relationship is likely to be a mind reader.
3. Sometimes it takes repeating yourself before the other person sees how serious the issue is or finally understands how to address the issue.
4. Ask for what you want, suggest solutions, and be specific enough that something can come of the conversation besides just venting.
5. If talking doesn't work, try something else. Actions often speak louder than words. But above all, try something. Then try something else.
6. If you feel a problem hasn't been resolved, ask to do something different (counseling, romantic getaway, etc.) BEFORE you get so frustrated you give up on the relationship. Because...
7. Things are disposable. People are not.
8. Resentment kills desire, don't sweep things under the rug if you aren't sure you can live with them.
9. Hopelessness is the cancer in long-term relationships.
10. Choose your battles wisely, but anything worth breaking up over is worth fighting over first and often.

In our case, I would also add that we should have explored and considered the side effects of your medications and EMDR and how they were interacting with each other before making any major life changes. It seems that it would be fair to say you are not in a good place right now despite the great things you have going in your life such as buying a house, Kelsey, having a full-time job through Kelly IT.

I also admit there were issues I should have raised with you. I am sorry I didn't do so earlier, and at this point it is rather superfluous, but briefly, I was not happy that our date nights, vacations, and other couples time was shelved because of the stress and financial strain of you buying a house. Those types of activities are essential to keeping a relationship thriving in my opinion. I was not happy with the Cymbalta and EMDR because of the side effects on our sex life, which was compounded by a lack of dedicated couples time. I was disappointed and very hurt with your lack of response to my consciously acting on your requests to buy and wear more lingerie and initiate sex more often. I was also concerned about the amount of alcohol you were drinking as you are not supposed to drink at all with both your anti-seizure meds and anti-depressants. I spent a good portion of November and December thinking about what I wanted to say and trying to find a good time to sit down and have these conversations when we wouldn't be interrupted and you weren't already in a bad mood. As I never found a time when one of those conditions was satisfied, let alone both, I put off having that conversation.

And now there is no point. You made up your mind unilaterally. You have said and done things that cannot be unsaid nor undone. I don't understand even after the conversations we have had, and I don't think I ever will. When it all is boiled down to the basics, we agree on many of the things that needed work in our relationship. But there is a fundamental disagreement over whether the effort should be put in to fix them. I believed we were worth the effort, and I know I am worth the effort. But if you can't see that, then there is nothing more to say. I need time and space to heal. We cannot be "just friends" after 3 years of love, sex, and intimacy. I will not settle.