CV, for five years I "settled" in my M. Beyond that, I focused (else)where I felt valued or that was somehow bringing value to my kid's family of origin (ie. the nuclear unit).
THAT... was where I failed my M.
From an extreme perspective, I did not abuse my children, I did not cheat, I did not conduct myself immorally or unethically, I did not use drugs or abuse alcohol.
I was an "average". nice guy who was married and had a couple kids in an average home and I was a stay at home parent who consulted from time to time to help with financials.
Like I said... I "failed" because I settled. I disconnected from my W because at the time, I was fed up with not feeling appreciated by my W. Further, I felt that I was being emotionally beat up (abused) and disrespected in many ways. I did not have any time limit as to leaving the M. In fact, I didn't really consider leaving the M in the future. I made a choice and I was prepared to stick with it, "until death do us part."
Why am I saying this (again)?
Because we all have our deal breakers. Mine was, when my W transferred essentially ALL (it FELT that way to me) of her emotional connection FROM me, TO others. Part of this included EXCLUDING me from participating in "family" outings (her and the kids, but NOT me) and really... the part where I found her in bed with another man... no matter WHAT happened... really... I really don't give a s4it what happened... that was just "another" thing... that was what I specifically pointed to as my "reason" for leaving.
Anyone who knows me and the members of this board know me well enough to know... that I am 100% pro M and believe that unless someone has DONE EVERYTHING, separation or D IS NOT AN OPTION.
But, having read the above and getting more insight, I do understand if you are done with your H and your M.
At this point in time... for me... D is not just an option... it might be my healthy choice. I don't HAVE to... for all intents and purposes, I am only M on paper. There is simply no indicators to suggest that my W and I could find that balance. To be able to actually HAVE a healthy, loving M. I should stop kidding myself (and ultimately my kids) into staying M... "just in case my W changes her mind".
So I will only say this and I am not suggesting you do this. But I will say that to be fair to yourself and your S... do not stay M because you want your S to be in a family unit until he graduates.
You can easily provide him with appropriate parental guidance separated or divorced and even possibly find someone to be involved with, whereby you can demonstrate to your S what a healthy, loving, respectful R or M can look like.
