"H, I'd like to try sharing a bed again, but we need to do it in a way that works for both of us. For me, that requires being able to get a good nights sleep. I can't sleep well when you don't wear a CPAP, so that's a dealbreaker for me."
Then, when he doesn't wear the CPAP, state clearly and directly that that doesn't work for you and sleep elsewhere.
"H, I'm open to renewing our sexual intimacy. In the past, I've moved away from it because sometimes it did not feel good or right to me. If I start feeling that way again, I can own the responsibility to express that clearly and directly. My boundary is that we immediately stop whatever it is that isn't working for me, stop is a loving way without retribution or condemnation. I want to find intimacy that works for us both."
Then, stop sexual intimacy when he does NOT respect you after you were very direct and clear in your communication (and you were VERY clear with him.)
I've done this exact thing, probably 20 times already. I've spent significantly more time in the last 5 years in the guest bedroom than in the marriage bed. Our sexual frequency is about 4 times a year, usually all in a two-week period, because I keep removing myself. It's pretty hard to be unclear about the cpap. "I need you to wear it. Period." "I will, I promise!"
That is the point I was at when I started posting -- in the other bedroom, refusing to have sex, refusing to go to dinner with him, etc. etc. Those were my boundaries. Obviously, that doesn't make for a happy, healthy M. The advice in DB and to my posts was to reengage, give him another chance "to shine."
Now what?
Quote:
YOU did something wonderful this week when you gave H space to shine. Who CARES whether he changed from that.
YOU DID.
Don't let HIS further actions that demonstrated a lack of respect for you take away YOUR gains.
Who cares? I don't need to do this to feel good about myself. I've done it so many times, there isn't even a sense of accomplishment about it. So if I'm not doing it to get results, and I'm not doing it to feel good about myself, WHY am I doing it? What is the purpose then?
