BTW, sexually, I urge you to have a zero-tolerance policy for ANYTHING that causes bad feelings or causes you to check out mentally. It is damaging and you should never do it. It doesn't matter WHAT it is. This is especially true if you dissociate during sex when it is not working for you because of prior sexual abuse or rape. When someone dissociates because of sex that isn't working for them (for whatever reason), it FEELS like abuse or rape, even though it isn't (because the person is in such a case free to leave). The fact that one is free to stop the sex, but endures it and dissociates, does not change the phenomenal experience that is associated with sexual assault. OF COURSE, one flinches from a spouse sexually if there have EVER been such experiences within the context of the R. I have no idea if this applies to you or not, but it helped me a lot.
Sorry, but if she told him she didn't want to do it, and he did it anyway, and then she told him to stop, and he didn't . . . that IS rape. Period.
