"I realize I've only been at this for a little under two weeks, but I'm really questioning the purpose. I really don't get any value from giving H everything he wants with no return. Maybe I'm just too selfish that way and shouldn't be in a M."
EGAD!!!! This is NOT what you should be doing!!!!!!!!! YIPES!!!!!!! Of COURSE you've had a horrible week.
I still think "Conquer your Critical Inner Voice" and "Lifetraps" books would be huge for you. But maybe the most important thing is to work on boundaries.
Really useful post, BTW. Let's look at this: "About a week ago, I offered to move back into the master BR and to reengage sexually. H took me up on it. I was hesitant but my heart was open. He was quite pleased and happy about the change. Me, not so much, because I was woken up several times by his snoring because he wasn't wearing his cpap.
H had been doing some sexual "research" and had something he wanted to try (I'll skip the details.) I said I didn't want to do it because I wasn't comfortable with it at all. He did it anyway, and I felt utterly humiliated. I told him how I felt, asked him to stop, he continued. He loved it, I'll never forget it."
You with an open heart offered to share bed with H and be intimate. Great. Good for you. H was definitely a creep in response. Bad for him. H did not respect your wishes about sleep or sex. Really, really yuck. But, this is not about him, it is about YOU.
What can YOU learn about YOURSELF to have a better life? Here's a suggestion: your life would go better if you set and enforce boundaries that work for you. No explanation of them needed, they are YOUR boundaries and justified solely in virtue of that.
"H, I'd like to try sharing a bed again, but we need to do it in a way that works for both of us. For me, that requires being able to get a good nights sleep. I can't sleep well when you don't wear a CPAP, so that's a dealbreaker for me."
Then, when he doesn't wear the CPAP, state clearly and directly that that doesn't work for you and sleep elsewhere.
"H, I'm open to renewing our sexual intimacy. In the past, I've moved away from it because sometimes it did not feel good or right to me. If I start feeling that way again, I can own the responsibility to express that clearly and directly. My boundary is that we immediately stop whatever it is that isn't working for me, stop is a loving way without retribution or condemnation. I want to find intimacy that works for us both."
Then, stop sexual intimacy when he does NOT respect you after you were very direct and clear in your communication (and you were VERY clear with him.)
It is NEVER to late to set boundaries that work for you. He doesn't get a free pass because you had vague or weak boundaries in the past.
It is FINE to say now that the experiment did not work because he did not respect your wishes. It is FINE to reevaluate whether to continue with the experiment or not.
Remember, this is about what is good for YOU. Really. Really. Really.
