yeah, i think at this point, i've figured out that #1 doesnt work....i wish i'd discovered the 37 rules sooner, cuz at that point, i'd already done everything it said i wasn't supposed to do! i even suggested MC immediately after the bomb, and though H didn't agree to MC, he did agree to talk to a family member who is really good at giving marriage advice. even though that person had given us many good points/suggestions, H refused to be swayed. i would imagine the same would have happened in MC.
re: the 2nd path - makes so much sense. i liked how you said that we need to make it clear we want to work on the marriage and then head in the other direction. i'd been kind of struggling with this cuz on the one hand if i want to "work" on the marriage, backing off doesn't seem to jibe with that, especially if H doesn't seem to be getting closer after i've backed off. then again, this goes back to detaching and not getting invested in how h responds/ not responds. so hard though!!
in terms of GAL, i've been hanging out with my friends and family during the weekends, and its been so great in helping cheer me up. when i first started getting away for the weekends, it felt such a relief to be around people who loved me instead of feeling like i was walking on eggshells all the time.
in the near future (after the d is settled since h plans on getting this all resolved by end of april, and i'll be pretty busy at work until then), i plan to take up piano again, and also learn a new instrument (thinking about learning the bass and or violin); maybe some cooking classes; volunteering at a senior center nearby; getting more involved in my church.
in terms of personal growth, i want to start being more organized in general. i'd like to have a clean/organized home thats decorated the way i like. i'd also like to possibly branch out into a career that is more "me."
if i dont let myself get too overwhelmed by the idea of "losing H" for good and the fear of possibly being alone forever, the future doesn't seem so bad. i'm actually looking forward to doing all of the above and emerging from this as the person i've always wanted to be. i just need to keep the anxiety & negative thoughts at bay.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
This is what you and everyone else here is most afraid of (including me by the way).
There are two ways to try to deal with this insecurity -- one is to pursue, convince, manipulate, plead, etc. In my opinion, MC (or marriage counseling) falls into this category after the bomb has dropped. This is the logical path that everyone starts out on because it makes the most apparent sense -- it "feels right". You're doing something to try to save your marriage, which is better than doing nothing.
The other path is to make it clear you'd like to save the marriage and are open to working together on reconciliation, and then head the other direction. Become the best person you can be. Find ways to make yourself feel loveable and in control that don't involve your H. Do some volunteer work, take a class, get a new job, get in shape, learn to play an instrument, etc. If you go off and achieve your own happiness, you feel better, and you are more attractive. If H doesn't come back, you'll STILL feel better, and you're in a better place to pursue something new.
The second path, the path of distance and self-improvement, is the one that works, but it is counter-intuitive and oh so hard. It's easy to kid yourself that you're doing it when you're not, but you really do have to "fake it until you make it" and discard your excuses one by one. This takes weeks to months to pull off. It's a goal that you set for yourself, and you pursue it. You know you'll make mistakes, but that's ok, you pick yourself up and keep going.
It's only when H starts to believe that you're not going to be there anymore that path number two is going to have the desired effect. Because he knows you so well, you can't fake it. You pretty much have to be there for it to be credible.
So what can you do for yourself? What are some things that you can do to help you feel better about yourself that don't involve H? Make a list.
