Now I have been to MC again with W, and she is still completely distraught over the issues that I mentioned before.
Based on the fact that I have had meltdowns, she states that she doesn't feel safe at home, and that I am trying to control her. Based on my having hurt her in bed, she says that I am abusive.
She wants me to go to an abuser's intervention program, and I have agreed.
I have mixed feelings about this. I don't think of myself as having tried to put her down or control her. But I guess that is true of any abusive husband. Everybody thinks he/she is in the right, and nobody really supposes they are being unreasonable, right? Besides, it is a way that she is showing some hope for our M...if she didn't hope for our M to recover, she wouldn't ask me to get any kind of intervention. And the focus on this group is developing healthy relationships. It is humiliating to do this when I never had any intention of hurting her or putting her "under my thumb," but going and trying to learn what I can can't hurt me. I am trying to be open to the possibility that maybe there is more to my behavior than I realized. But I am nervous.
I made the call to set the appointment for initial assessment, and one of the first questions the woman on the phone asked was the name of my probation officer. It was embarrassing to be asked that question, and then to have to explain that I didn't have one.
And now I am worrying about what I am going to tell the person assessing me. That I was insensitive to my wife in bed, and didn't stop when she said I was hurting her? That I become upset when she tells me how much I have hurt her, and bang my own head into the wall? Do I explain everything from W's point of view, or do I express what I was trying to do?
What if I am told that what I have done doesn't qualify as abuse for their purposes?
OK, just typing this out I am realizing that I have been spazzing out over these questions. I guess I need to just relax and take things as they come.
I'm not even sure that an abuse intervention program is the right thing for me, but like I said, it can't hurt me to go, and at least it shows my good will in continuing to try.
I guess I'll just work on a list of things I want to say during the initial assessment.
If anyone's out there, an encouraging word or two wouldn't fall amiss.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
