Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

Sometimes my mind races in circles, "If only I knew what to do about my M?!?!?!"

On good days, this just doesn't happen. It's anxiety and panic over something I can not control. Realizing my former best friend intended to molest my daughter (and did in some ways) has really sent me into a spiral.

Sunday, I really just wanted to spend the day in bed. But, I get to see my kids at church and sometimes afterward, so I pulled myself together and had a great day with my son.

But I'm still reeling over this revelation. My head hurts a lot.

So, it's not a change in my M that is driving my thoughts, but the wheel doesn't stop spinning and it keeps trying to find a way out. I'm miserable. I want to be home. I want my friend and partner back. I want to be with my kids. What is the shortcut? How do I end this now? Do I give up? Should I start planning for D? Do I buckle down and assume I'll be at this for a year or more?

I shouldn't be letting what my W said get to me. She is going to say there is no way for us to ever repair our M until she is willing to admit out loud that there is. She doesn't trust what she sees in me, but she is making room in our lives to see if she can feel differently. Eventually. I have to be thankful for that.

And forget about it. Focus on what I can control.

And when I get control of myself, it's obvious that there is plenty I can be doing in the GAL/180 department that would make a difference. When I ask myself, "What do I really need to change?", am I really asking myself what is the easiest thing I can change to make a difference? What is the least effort I can put up and still succeed? I have to admit that I only have so much to give. I can't do everything.

And yet, I need to find the strength and the energy to do more. I can't wait for W to say "I need to see X". I just have to be the best me I can be and not get caught up in the soul-sucking pain of this separation/possible(probable?)divorce.

Here is what I have going pretty successfully on in the GAL/180 department:
- Daily meditation to get past my anxiety and distractability, and be a happier, more lively, more productive person for the rest of my life.
- Always trying hard to listen with an open mind and validate and really be present without defensiveness.
- Working out most days and keeping an eye on my weight. (this is for me, not my W. I'm already thinner than my wife would like, I think.)
- Having the energy and drive to keep the house in good shape (W and I both used to fail at this. We both put a lot more effort into it after the separation.)

But I know I need to do some other stuff. I want to:
- Start being early for things instead of being late.
- Finally do all those things on my todo list that I let slide (pay a fine, go to the DMV, buy a part, fix something, call someone about that thing, etc, etc)

Probably more. I have to think about this later. I'm going to go meditate.