Unfortunately, it seems putting my toe in the water has resulted in it getting bitten off.
To recap:
H wants to call during the day and check in. It has no real value to me because it's a lot of dead air, but I've been accommodating. I've also removed all criticism from my conversation/interaction. H has noticed and is appreciative. Nothing has changed on his part, I just don't comment. I've made a point to be pleasant, even if I'm not feeling it. H has noticed this as well and has commented that he appreciates it. Conversations have been very non-intimate (eq. schedules, plans for house repair, school or boy scouts for S, etc.) This seems to be all that H wants.
About a week ago, I offered to move back into the master BR and to reengage sexually. H took me up on it. I was hesitant but my heart was open. He was quite pleased and happy about the change. Me, not so much, because I was woken up several times by his snoring because he wasn't wearing his cpap.
H had been doing some sexual "research" and had something he wanted to try (I'll skip the details.) I said I didn't want to do it because I wasn't comfortable with it at all. He did it anyway, and I felt utterly humiliated. I told him how I felt, asked him to stop, he continued. He loved it, I'll never forget it.
I didn't "hound" him about his "plan" that he had been working on. He approached me about mid-week. Apparently he was working on listening to some marriage CD's and was insistent that this was the solution to all of our problems. I asked a couple of questions about it, but he sort of just blew them off or replied with "I don't know." I listened to the set of CD's later in the week. It doesn't address any of our issues, just paints a picture of how a couple can be romantic.
H often references the wonderful life that some friends of ours have. They have a boat and a lake house and will spend a week there occasionally, just the two of them. He imagines this as his ideal fantasy. The problem is, we have a boat, we've gone out just the two of us, and he is completely bored after just two hours. This same couple went on a week-long camping trip to the middle of nowhere. After hearing about it, I thought to myself, "How fabulous!" H says to me that that would be his worst nightmare. I bring this up because that's one of the aspects of the "romantic" approach on these CD's. We're supposed to plan a 3-day vacation, 4 times a year, just the two of us. But if he's bored with me that easily, what would be the point?
He read to me some notes he had taken from the CD's. One of the things he read to me was something to the effect that your entire life is affected by the state of your marriage. I said that I completely get that, which is why I'm so depressed right now, but that I honestly didn't see that with him. He doesn't seem to miss a beat. If anything, he's even more active and social when we're in a poor state. He definitely doesn't respond like I read from posters on this site. GAL'g would never be a problem for him. He explained to me that he didn't see any reason why our M issues should impact his social life. Basically I just didn't get the point of his saying it.
We talked at one point about the basic principles of a M relationship. I stated that I think one party insisting that the other party do something that they clearly don't want to do is counter-productive to the R. They may win the battle, but they'll lose the war. H immediately says he absolutely agrees, no hesitation. This surprised me because his interactions with me are contrary. I asked about that, and he went on to explain that it is worth it to him if it's something he really wants, which includes going to church with him, boating with him, sleeping in the same bed, visiting his family with him, etc. I can't think of anything that he has wanted that doesn't fall into that category. If he wants it and I don't, it becomes something he really wants and he'll nag until he gets it. I don't know how to digest his claim that he believes it's bad but then does it anyway.
For my part, I've stopped reading R books altogether for now and I'm reading some on personal goal setting/life strategies, etc. I'm exercising more, which feels great. I've also looked into some personality studies for myself. Ironically, I've learned that I really am not a perfectionist afterall. I don't qualify for any of the tests. Apparently this is just a label I've picked up from my H's accusations without really understanding what it meant (I'm sure he doesn't either.)
I realize I've only been at this for a little under two weeks, but I'm really questioning the purpose. I really don't get any value from giving H everything he wants with no return. Maybe I'm just too selfish that way and shouldn't be in a M.
