hi everyone! newbie here....could this be a MLC?

[Accuray]

i think this is what i'm most afraid of...that at the end of the day, h realizes that he didn't really love me after all and that leaving is the right choice and that he won't come back. but then again, say this is true, why would i want someone that doesn't want me? i guess this plays into my fears that perhaps i'm just not lovable if h rejects me. its irrational, i know, but if i'm honest with myself, this is my biggest fear.

This is what you and everyone else here is most afraid of (including me by the way).

There are two ways to try to deal with this insecurity -- one is to pursue, convince, manipulate, plead, etc. In my opinion, MC (or marriage counseling) falls into this category after the bomb has dropped. This is the logical path that everyone starts out on because it makes the most apparent sense -- it "feels right". You're doing something to try to save your marriage, which is better than doing nothing.

The other path is to make it clear you'd like to save the marriage and are open to working together on reconciliation, and then head the other direction. Become the best person you can be. Find ways to make yourself feel loveable and in control that don't involve your H. Do some volunteer work, take a class, get a new job, get in shape, learn to play an instrument, etc. If you go off and achieve your own happiness, you feel better, and you are more attractive. If H doesn't come back, you'll STILL feel better, and you're in a better place to pursue something new.

The second path, the path of distance and self-improvement, is the one that works, but it is counter-intuitive and oh so hard. It's easy to kid yourself that you're doing it when you're not, but you really do have to "fake it until you make it" and discard your excuses one by one. This takes weeks to months to pull off. It's a goal that you set for yourself, and you pursue it. You know you'll make mistakes, but that's ok, you pick yourself up and keep going.

It's only when H starts to believe that you're not going to be there anymore that path number two is going to have the desired effect. Because he knows you so well, you can't fake it. You pretty much have to be there for it to be credible.

So what can you do for yourself? What are some things that you can do to help you feel better about yourself that don't involve H? Make a list.

Accuray