Looking back I have spent a lot of time trying to guess what my W really wanted. Like you every time I was having a blast we seemed to leave ahead of time. Passive Aggressive denying you what you want? My W lacks spontaneity and frowns on off the wall humour. Very controlled very strait laced. Always presenting a perfect picture to the world. Humour just sarcasm. All part of the pseudo self constructed to hide the inner child I think.
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[/quote]I don'SEE him work. But I know he is working.[quote]
In our case my W definitely suffers from a lack of object consistency I.e. Out of sight out of mind. Can't comprehend what the other person may be doing, thinking or feeling if they are out of sight. You only exist if present. You are either all good or all bad.
Like you I now see my whole marriage in a different light. I went into it expecting to enjoy the journey for someone else it was an end in itself.
Wendy, Your rose colored glasses are starting to turn to clear glass. We all accepted a lot of "stuff" that our spouses did or did not do because it was part of our life. Once you begin to experience the mlc monster w/a spouse, your glasses begin to clear up. You start to question your life w/them, how we interacted w/them and w/others, etc. It's very, very normal. Sad, but a part of the grieving process.
Your h had a memory lapse and forgot about the pump or he was trying to push your buttons. Either way, you set him straight. He's baiting you in a way...don't take the bait. He knows exactly what he is doing and unfortunately, he is also projecting at times. If you can maintain your cool and not show anger in his presence it would be better, but I can understand you feeling the way that you do.
Do something nice for yourself today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree 3 months ago I would have done anything to save my marriage.
Knowing what I now know, why on earth should any sane self-respecting person put up with this/his/her cr@p?
At some point we make our own journey out of our own issues with co- dependency Or whatever and see reality for the first time.
We did not break them it is not our job to fix them.
This is my/your life and I/we am/are responsible for my/our own happiness. I do not need a personality disordered individual screwing it up for me anymore. Crisis? What crisis?
In a funny way I can see how determined my H is to continue on his own goofy path. I got an invitation, rather late, to a St. Patrick's Day Party with people from my H's office. The wife of the couple and I have lunch about once a month. Less since all the crap started.
I asked did he want to attend. He said to tell them he is sick. (Fruedian slip?) I lost my cool and said: "Why not just tell them you are divorcing me?" His response was that he didn't want people to know his business. My response was that he was going to have a hard time keeping that quiet.
And I don't always know what I want. But what I don't want becomes clearer each day. I don't want a relationship with a person whose idea of fun is watching TV every night. And whose social fears border on the absurd.
I also am realizing I could be alone and have fun. I could have been on that hike alone yesterday and had more fun. I'm thinking about just doing one hike a week by myself. That was great exercise, almost 3 hours straight of walking/climbing!
So how do I get out of this place where I keep feeling so beat up? The physical and mental parts of me just feel used up. I put out a call through my weight loss program head doctor. I asked him to find out where the one really great doc I worked with ended up after her fellowship.
She was what I called a MASH psychologist. She was pretty good at cutting to the chase. I don't know spefically if she does SOBT. But she got me through the post-bomb period. I hadn't yet discovered DB when I was seeing her.
Yes, Snodderly. my H seems to have loads of memory lapses. And is so baiting me. And I need to not take the bait. I am just going to create a new beautiful life FOR ME!
Today is weight lifting at the gym with the marines. Poor me!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
I never got to lift weights today. My son and his wife came over to spend time with me. We went shopping, retail therapy. My son is his mother's son for sure. He loves his clothes!
My DIL just got a demotion at work. I am unhappy with her boss. They hired her and she didn't get comissions for the first 6 months. Now all the weddings she booked she won't get comissions on..... But at least she stays on as a bartender.
The poor economy is killing Hawaii. (And many other places.....)
I bet my kids move back in here in 2 months. I guess I can move into the office and give them these rooms. My silly son needs to step up his game and get his charter business going!
My H was sweet as pie today. I had a nice dinner for him, planned to go to the gym, but just wasn't feeling 100% I am just not getting enough sleep. Guess I'll go to bed now and see if I can catch up a bit tonight.
His only question for me was had I booked the termite people to tent our house? and had I done the taxes? I told him they were on my list. I don't know why I have such a hard time doing stuff I used to knock out so easily.
I am amused by my H wanting to get the house tented. It is how he plans to spend our tax refund. I don't want to mindread, wish I could, but if I really wanted a D, that money would go to a lawyer!
I have been reading many other people threads. I am finding some valuable information about how to deal with life. And some good jokes, too!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Wendy, You are going to find that you have difficulty getting things done because your mind is whirling over what your h has and is doing. Also, you may be suffering a little bit of depression as well. I know it's difficult, but you've got to take your focus off of him in order to stay focused on what you need to do.
As for tenting for termites...if he doesn't think you are doing it fast enough, he knows how to pick up the phone (quite well I might add) and call them himself.
I do get the sense from your postings that he looks to you as a mother figure or his keeper...you will need to start thinking of ways to change that just a bit. He needs to grow up.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have fought depression since I was a kid. Had some time alone with my oldest son, talking about his depression. I love my family and hate knowing he is down. He said he has noticed my depression more this year.
I am looking at how to change my R with H. I am reading a couple books right now. Hoping to get some ideas from them. I don't want to be his mother or his handler!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
And what struck me most this read was the statement that we need to do what makes us uncomfortable, and our spouses need to also be uncomfortable.
Those words were ringing in my head as I had my own dinner early, I hate going to yoga on a full stomach. H comes home while I am doing dishes. He looks around for dinner. I told him I had leftovers, there is more or soup, or some nice refridgerated pasta. He looks liked a kicked puppy. I don't know why it is so important to him that I cook his food!
I say I have a few minutes before I leave, do you want me to cook for you? He says yes, he is famished and had a very hard day. I must say, it is funny. Problem is right now, everything makes me uncomfortable. Cooking, not cooking, silly me!
Next he makes a big deal about the fact that "We" missed a few TV shows because the DVR reset itself. He really hates watching TV alone.
So if I am super busy for the next 8-12 weeks, maybe he will start to miss me. I have the quilt show coming up and it wouldn't be a lie if I really was that busy. (I might even win another prize or two in the quilt show. Good for my battered ego.)
The "Going Dark" 101 thread also made me realize that I don't have to go dark all at once. I can keep my hand on that dimmer switch. So I ate dinner without him, am in a different room right now, and when I get home from yoga will go to bed early to read. I will ease away and see how that goes.
I also plan to buy a bunch of frozen dinners for us, so "we" can start picking out our own dinners. Baby steps! And off to yoga for me!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Okay, here is a 2x4 tossed at you ... sorry, just want to get your attention. I hope you take it in the caring way I mean it.
I can't help, but wonder at your patience with your H. He has betrayed you, and you still make his dinner and watch tv with him. You are not his mother who does not approve of his girlfriend. You are his wife of many years and he is sleeping with your so-called "best friend". I would be hugely angry (which I was, and it helped me to detach a lot), not babying him 'cause he looked like a "kicked puppy" (aw, poor thing, kick it again because he's pee'd on your M over and over, and isn't learning). I don't want to tell you what to do, but I think you should tell him to grow up, and make his own freaking dinner, and to stop being so pathetic in his doggy-like manner. He's a grown@ssed man, for pete's sake. Take control of your sitch, and don't fear him choosing the OW 'cause you didn't make his dinner. He's cake eating because he can. Make him uncomfortable, so that he can see what he will be missing. If he wants to act like a kicked puppy, treat him like one ... bad behavior = no treats.
Just my opinion, but you have been very patient to the nth degree, and I wonder why? He's going to keep pi$$ing on your rugs until he learns not to, or he will be taken to the doggy pound.
Here's a positive note ... it will be good to keep busy for the next 8-12 weeks, and do not feel sorry for him. He doesn't feel sorry for you while "visiting" the bit.. I mean, OW.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
