Pursuit and distance -- good stuff! I've been distancing for a couple weeks now, although it feels like longer. One impact is that I just feel like I care less -- maybe that's why I'm not posting as much.
In any case, W has been generally happier, although last night she seemed to suddenly notice how different things have been. When we were in bed she tried to pull me into an R talk. I maintained that nothing is wrong, I'm happy, talked about what I've been doing that I've been enjoying etc.
She said it feels like I've been withdrawing. I asked her if she's felt I've been expecting things from her the way she did in the past. She said "no". I asked if I've been making her feel inadequate. She said "no". I asked her if there was anything she'd like to share. She was quiet for a while, then just said that I've been on a different tack, she's noticed it and doesn't know what's going on.
In the past I would have explained it, but last night I did not -- I just stuck to "everything is fine".
I would say that not only am I not pursuing, I don't feel like pursuing, and that's a pretty big change. What I've been trying to do is "mirroring". If she hugs me, I'll hug her. If she kisses me, I'll kiss her. If she says ILY, I'll say ILY, etc. Basically I'm letting her set the bar, and I'm trying to deliver at that level.
I have noticed that she's been more affectionate than she was a few weeks ago, but we're less physically affectionate than we were when I was "driving".
I am concerned about the "withdrawing" comment and here's where I need some guidance. (Captain? Cadet? someone with distancing experience?)
Distancing and withdrawing can look very similar I think, but they're not really the same. How do I distance, but not make W think I'm withdrawing? Any advice on how to walk that line?
Have I gone too far to the side of not initiating anything, or am I just in a transition phase and need to hold course?
From my perspective, W said she wanted more distance than I did, she wanted me to have no expectations, and to treat anything she did for me as a gift. She's got that now, but doesn't seem happy with it. Is this a "be careful what you wish for", or is it more an issue that she knows deep down I'm not happy here and that bothers her?
She really wanted me to talk about my feelings last night, but still wouldn't talk about her own. I believe that she's used to "mirroring" and since I'm not leading, she assumes I don't want affection and therefore isn't willing to lead.
It will be interesting to see if she steps up or gives up. So far she's been stepping up a little, but is clearly torn.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
